But the real issue is that calling what I experience an “inclination” seems right at first, but it really feels more like a desire? I do not experience constant feelings of body incongruity, nor do I constantly feel “phantom limbs” or pain at missing or having body parts. It’s more so that being a feminine, to the point of “passing” as a woman in cis society, and the secondary sexual characteristics (especially such as wider hips or a more androgynous face) associated with that, seem extremely desirable to me.

It’s less that I feel I’m missing those things, and more that I want them. I have an inclination towards them, but I do not actually know my own “subconscious sex”- I’m simply inclined towards them because they seem significantly cooler than my current body, presentation, and identity. That seems… somewhat toxic, but I don’t know if I can properly convey that it is a stronger desire than that implies. The idea of being a femboy that “passes” as a woman, or just a straight up woman, is appealing to me in a way that I have always felt conflicted about, because it always felt fundamentally stronger than many “grass is greener” sort of desires and similar to what people describe as gender envy, but I also significantly lack those important telltale signs, or even the presence at all, of a “incongruity of sex”. While I don’t necessarily think I could tolerate growing old as a man, I could live in my current body for a pretty long period.

I don’t think I have any serious qualms or complaints about it- It’s just fundamentally mediocre to me, minus the parts that are aligned with my “gender desire”, which I like, but it doesn’t really feel like I like enough for it to be indicative of my identity being valid. I also have never had these gender thoughts until the concepts of cross dressing and being a femboy were introduced to me. I never had the thoughts of “knowing my sex was wrong” that the author or numerous other trans people describe- Only ever a feeling of “gender desire” that began once it dawned on me that changing my presentation was possible.

Altogether I feel just like a delusional cis man, and while the book is extremely good for giving a framework of describing trans issues so far, it feels sort of heart wrenching. It’s like not a single person in existence is able to relate to my experience or even provide a framework for how it makes sense.