That 0.5 second moment where I read the title before realising it is the onion ๐ณ๐ณ
this post was submitted on 10 Jul 2024
457 points (99.6% liked)
The Onion
6943 readers
232 users here now
The Onion
A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
- The Onion
- Clickhole
- McSweeney's
- Reductress
- The Chaser
- The Hard Times
- The Needling
- Tattletale Times
- The Beaverton
founded 4 years ago
MODERATORS
Aren't these 0.5 seconds the moments we live for?
There was just an NCD post about the Mormon Industrial Complex yesterday, so in this specific case, no.
Heh, that makes me think of the LDSS Nauvoo
At the rate the world is going, I would not be very surprised if in less than a decade the Mormons just actually did have their own nuclear weapons program.
Hell I would not be surprised if they currently, secretly own a decommissioned ICBM silo for 'emergency preparedness' (read: survival bunker for their most elite elects) reasons.
Magic underwear and spaceships. Let's fucking go eh.
Went through the same rainbow of emotions. Well done Onion.
This is one of those "Oh that's so crazy. That would never happen in the real world."
And then ten years later some American court rules that their right to bear arms and "one nation under god" extends to nuclear warheads.
Existence of a privately owned nuke is a security hazard of all sorts, no country would accept this.
Though illegal means exist, and I heavily think there's a billionaire out there that has a nuke in one of their displays for lols through it.
The goal is for the government to own a nuke, and for a corporation to own the government.
Check and check.
God: Makes everyone keep waiting for Armageddon.
American Evangelicals: I'll do it myself.
I'll make my own Armageddon, which blackjack, and hookers!
I mean, that's quite literally happening, more or less. Check out the documentary Praying for Armageddon if you can find it.
When they switch over from "God works in mysterious ways" to "God works through us"
Well THAT'S going in the DnD ideas folder.
In the mid 90s the Japanese Aum Shinrikyo cult were producing chemical weapons which were used in a deadly sarin gas attack on the Tokyo subway. Prior to the attack Aum briefly owned a million acre cattle ranch in Australia where they tested sarin and may have tried to mine uranium ore.
Several nuclear powers are run by autocratic theocracies/cults and the US could be heading in that direction.
Too real.
Pretty soon it will be
That was the most horrifying thing Iโve ever read before realizing it was the onion.
Please don't give them any ideas
North Korea mad in jealously
How long till this becomes true?
How long to till? Well, it depends how long your field is, and whether you're using all of it.
Wait. Did you mean "till as in plough" or "till as in a cash-drawer?" Both are accurate. It's not the boat-steerer, as that's a till-er.
Lmao, fuck you kindly
50 kiloton thermonuclear? That's a fizzle folks. They don't know how to handle their plutonium. Fake news. It was just a simple fission bomb with some wasted fusion fuel.
Jonestown Fallout