People tweeting stuff. We allow tweets from anyone.
RULES:
This quote by TheReturnOfPEB@reddthat.com is a good thing to keep in mind. I'm not going to lock it because it genuinely seems to be helping some people. I'm getting reports though, so remember to be excellent to each other please.
this comment section is a memorial of injured experiences.
tread carefully.
Edit: fixed author's username.
I think the username ends peb not pep
Also you might want to pin your comment to put it at the top
this comment section is a memorial of injured experiences.
tread carefully.
Thank you for the warning, kind stranger.
"Why are men in general so emotionally constipated? omg stop crying like a pussy; we just asked a question!" - the patriarchy, oppressing us all
feminism is for everyone. patriarchy is both against and enforced by everyone
When i was a kid it was the opposite... but in my adult years it's been overwhelmingly women that tried to enforce masculinity on me any time I stepped out of the bounds of masculinity and did something feminine (wear feminine clothes, cry, make a comment getting hit on by men to name a few). I was a closeted trans woman in denial which made it extra annoying whenever it happened. Now that I'm out the women in my life have been extremely supportive so there is that. However whenever I go out in full femme with outfit and make-up I noticed it's women who stare at me, had one lady look me up and down three times pretty deliberately while standing 4ft away from me. I don't always see it as malicious (not that i would care), more like they're curious or maybe even liking fit. But it's an interesting contrast compared to men who seem to give me almost no mind or attention by comparison. It was something I didn't expect.
My wife makes way more than me, with the potential to be sole provider in less than 5 years. I told her id love to stay home and take care of the house/kids. She got offended, and said itd probably end our marriage because that wouldnt be masculine.
Shes always been a big proponent for gender equality... i guess she always only ever thought of one gender
Take precautions. Seriously. Economic abuse is just as if not even more common than physical abuse. And you already know she's got emotional abuse locked and loaded.
Man your wife is fucked up. I'd love to give the husband an ejection seat for the rat race
lolwut y she so going so 1950s on you
Taking care of the kids is a masculine thing to do! 💪
Funny how that works, right? Both my mom and my ex, super feminists, all down with the gays and progressive but were some of the worst people when it came to enforcing my masculinity. My mom is coming around now after putting my foot down pretty sternly more than a few times. But when I was closeted that shit was really fucking hurtful and kept me from expressing myself.
I went through the worst depression of my life around 2017, tried to express these feelings to my gf at the time and explain why our romance was failing or why I spent half the day in bed.
Basically got told "poor you", everyone has struggles, snap out of it and be a man. That definitely helped, and didn't push me even deeper into feelings of worthlessness..
I'm doing ok now, but it was the first time I felt comfortable enough with someone to express those emotions, I was at my wits end. The response was eye opening, never again.
It’s cultural. The problem is bigger than any one person. As soon as honest men speak out, they either deal with minimization like in the meme, or worse, support from chauvinistic incels who invalidate their message entirely.
Thanks to Culture War grifters, men's issues are unfairly stigmatized as something associated with incels and the alt-right.
Culture War grifters
I really like this phrase. These people need to be called out more often.
Been dumped, more than twice, immediately after crying in front of a woman. Make of that what you will.
That's fucked. If I was dating a guy and he cried in front of me it would make me happy to know that he feels safe being vulnerable around me. I would treasure him forever after that.
Not everyone is a good person.
This is absolutely the way to look at that level of intimacy IMO because that's how I view it.
The day my dad died, nearly 23 years ago now, was also the day that I knew I'd ask my wife to marry me.
It was a long illness and he was relatively young. We were living together and I had just sucked it up for 18 painful months. Never cried once.
Anyway the day came and I got home and just cracked when we went to bed. I just sobbed in the bed with her. Like a real, deep, deep sobbing.
She just held me and rubbed my hair and I will never, ever forget that.
Anyway about 8 months later I asked her to marry me and we're married over 20 years now and have a beautiful family together. I love her so much.
I doubt that was it, but okay
Happened to me in high school once. Haven't really been able to cry openly ever since.
I don't know if I want to blame the patriarchy or the toxic masculinity that goes with it, but crap. My ex was so not ok when I cried over the discovery of her affair.
She genuinely thought I was trying to manipulate her. I was "too extremely emotional" over it. We were highschool sweethearts, had a kid, and she always talked about how she was disgusted with her own mother for having an affair. Even to the point where she cut off contact with her mother until they ended that relationship.
"No man goes to bed crying because their wife cheated on them or sends nudes to the same guy 4 years later."
There were red flags earlier than that. "Why are you crying over a movie?" (I always do at emotional bits). "Man up, no one wants to be with someone expresses sadness."
What's worse is that it's pretty much why I don't bother going out, or have much motivation to get back into the dating game. The patriarchy and toxic masculinity has ruined being human to me. I don't want to be friends with people who cover up all their emotions. I don't want to be friends with guys who are clearly over compensating. Then the girls turn around complain about these men being cruel to them, yet state things like this.
Then you have all the men who have this strange belief that they are owed women, and by behaving like that they get the women they are owed. I won't take part in that. I will not hurt someone else just to satisfy my desires. If that means I don't date, I'm much more comfortable being a good person and alone.
I also try to bring it up in conversation, and then people turn around and act like my refusal to participate in patriarchal behavior is anti-social. I had one person point out "technically, you aren't getting any, even though you want it, making you an incel." I was so shocked. Its not the fault of women I'm not out getting laid. Its men. It's the patriarchy. It's this system set up to isolate me because I have an intense emotional awareness.
you know her better obviously but sometimes you're too close to see some things so here goes my opinion: I think she didn't genuinely think you were trying to manipulate her.
I think she knew it was the appropriate response and she was the bad person so instead of facing that situation and losing the upper hand she thought she could use toxic masculinity to manipulate you to feel bad about yourself as a way to take the heat off of herself.
"you're overreacting", "you're being too emotional" these are very common tactics that men use on women all the time. it's just that it has the added toxic masculinity aspect when the roles are reversed.
That... Actually makes more sense and a thought I was trying to avoid. I know she said a lot of things where she said things to avoid feeling like the bad guy. Unfortunately for her, cheating on your marriage doesn't have a defense.
The patriarchy is a system, and it's both men and women who promulgate it
I'll add to the trauma dump I suppose
Got married in August 2018, the beginning of the next month my dad died of cancer. Obviously I was mourning him and was in a shitty place, my then wife took that as me not being active enough in our relationship and decided to start cheating on me with multiple guys. Once I found out and called her out on it, and also subsequently kicked her out all of a sudden I was the bad guy. I can't even imagine the mental gymnastics she was hopping through to think that was justified.
Anyway I've moved across the country since then and have met who I believe is my soulmate, and things are amazing with her. Just had to go through sewers to find my green pasture I suppose
Consider yourself lucky you didn't have kids with her
Super socially awkward and anxious in middle school and high school and was also bullied a ton. Girls would ask me out as a joke, and there's no good response. If you say yes you're a dumbass for thinking they're actually interested in you, if you say no you're gay and should kill yourself. Combined with being an impressionable teen with incredibly negative self esteem on reddit at a time where something along the lines of all men are rapists was a common sentiment, it really honestly fucked me up. I still am not comfortable with romance and intimacy with women to be honest.
A bit related to this, so many times throughout my life when I've mentioned I'd like to be friends with, take up lost contact with or just mention a woman has a currently present woman reacted like "you know she has a boyfriend, right?", "I don't think you're her type" etc.
It makes sense that so many men have very few or no female friends, because they experience exactly that. It's like many women have decided that all men are incapable of being friendly with women without it being about sex or more than friends. We get scared of trying because it'll just be misinterpreted as wanting to fuck them.
Cried over my dog dying at school once. Made me a target for physical violence for about 6 months after that. Vulnerability is for people you trust.
Vulnerability is for people you trust.
And this is what needs to change. In order to trust someone, a level of vulnerability is required. We must demand that expression of emotion is not seen as vulnerability, but as a human need.
I've thought about this a fair bit, and I can definitely recall a bunch of cases from primary school and high school when I opened up about my feelings and personal stuff; and it ended badly for me. It ended badly every time, and I reckon that's why I basically don't tell anyone anything about myself now as an adult. I don't even share most stuff with my partner, or my family - such are the scars of past experience.
I'm sure this is similar for many people.
I have been dumped for not expressing emotion, and crying, due to tragic things happening.
This sort of situation is how I knew my wife was/is a keeper. When I was pushed to the point where my negative emotions got too much, she was there for me. She didn't shy away, but stepped in to help and support me.
In many of my previous relationships, showing negative emotions was lethal to their feelings. I could be happy, or stoic, but never upset or depressed.
On a side note, I had a chat with a trans friend once, regarding emotions. When they transitioned, the intensity of their emotions didn't change much. However, their ability to contain them plummeted. Basically, men and women feel emotions similarly. Men are just a lot more able to bottle them up.
Things everyone must learn themselves because patriarchy instills in them the opposite:
I decided to end a relationship and marriage, after being together for 13 years. For the first time in years I put myself first and realised that I needed to be out of the relationship. Coming out of this has been very difficult and I've been struggling with my mental health since.
I started dating again, and have had two horrible experiences where my feelings were just put aside and it really hurt. Both of which ended up with the relationship ending. It's like I'm not allowed to have feelings or struggle. 😞
Imho the worst are those who crucify the patriarchy at every point, then a man chimes in to criticize calmly the words chosen are inappropriate for the given situation, or outright hurtful, then the radical anti-patriarchy combatants shut down that person as the most vile being they deserve to feel terrible. And that guy ill-adjusts, be it on a personal level of despair or combative misogyny, and the anti-patriarchy combatants continue their cycle, because clearly they were right from the get-go, men are misogynistic and don't speak about their problems. Rinse and repeat.
Please, don't be that type of anti-patriarchy fighter. It doesn't matter that you describe yourself as super leftist progressive, if you behave like crap and reinforcing the worst of stereotypes.
I'm so sorry for all those commenters having sad stories and being told to "man up". That's very sad
I might be wrong but I have a feeling that it is a very US influenced problem (so now a very English speaking country problem). Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I'm influenced because it is Internet and there's plenty of Americans and everything is written in English.
Being born in a French speaking culture, I don't feel that way. My friends don't, my non French speaking friends don't as well. Most men of my generation (millennial) that I have met could express emotions without much problems, and women would not react badly to it, but maybe I'm just lucky.
Of course, there's always some shitty people, some overly manly jerks or non caring women, but I would say that they represent less than 15% of the population I've met in my life (data source: My ass).
So, am I wrong ? Am I influenced by Internet ? How is it for German/Spanish/Portuguese/Italian/Japanese/Whatever cultures ?
And if I'm right, well that sucks. How can we help ?
I lost my little brother last year and I would say I already wasn't a very "manly" man before that but that put things into a new perspective. It was a horrible time but also one that showed me that I chose my friends and family very wisely.
