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Safety Campaign Teaches New Parents That Babies Can Die In Just 1 Or 2 Inches Of Lava (www.theonion.com)

submitted 2 years ago by tree@lemmy.zip to c/theonion@midwest.social

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OLYMPIA, WA—In an effort to bring more awareness to an often overlooked issue, a safety campaign was launched Tuesday to teach new parents that babies can die in just one or two inches of lava. “Take it from me, leaving your infant unsupervised in a shallow pool of hot, molten rock is deadlier than you may think,” said Child Safety Foundation president Leo Miller, who added that many parents think it’s fine to leave their children alone near a volcano, only to return and find them face down, floating in 2,000-degree lava ejected from the Earth’s mantle. “Sadly, submersion in lava can cause damage to a child’s vital organs or—worse—death. By the time parents find their baby and begin administering CPR, often all that’s left is a smoldering skeleton.” Miller has previously called on local governments to invest in more public volcanoes so that more American children can learn to swim in lava.

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[–] redballooon@lemm.ee 22 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Oh my god, I had no idea. We just moved in from an area where there are no volcanoes anywhere close.

Just this morning I let my toddler play up there. I thought the crater lake would be fun for the kid, because what child does not like to dabble in water now and then. I had no idea that volcanoes could provide such hazards. Will certainly not let him play there again.

This article might have saved my child.

[–] darvocet 13 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (1 children)

The article is a little alarmist. I played near volcano craters all the time as a toddler. Is your child street smart?

[–] WarmSoda@lemm.ee 2 points 2 years ago

Kids got rocks for brains.

[–] GreenMario@lemm.ee 14 points 2 years ago

Damn libs trying to tell me I can't give my baby a lava bath now?! The hell they ain't!!!

[–] Nougat@kbin.social 13 points 2 years ago (1 children)

So ... it took me a moment to realize that this was The Onion, because I legit figured that in the bizarro world timeline, this is a thing that could actually happen.

[–] WarmSoda@lemm.ee 1 points 2 years ago (1 children)

How'd it taste?

[–] keeb420@kbin.social 2 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Hot like lava.

[–] WarmSoda@lemm.ee 1 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago)

That onion's lit

[–] mateomaui@reddthat.com 6 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Education is crucial near a lava flow. You can easily cook a kielbasa or your kid over it. Choose wisely.

[–] synae@lemmy.sdf.org 6 points 2 years ago (1 children)

I'm not very hungry at the moment, so maybe just kielbasa for now. Unless you're hungry too, we could go halves on the kid?

[–] mateomaui@reddthat.com 5 points 2 years ago (1 children)

tbh I’m trying to cut back

[–] WarmSoda@lemm.ee 1 points 2 years ago

That's the right way to do it. You don't want to cut forward and back, like a sawing motion. That actually takes longer and it shreds the tendens. You want a nice firm backwards cut. The knife should slice right in.

[–] blashork@hexbear.net 6 points 2 years ago

good luck trying to undo the damage of what minecraft has taught them

[–] finthechat@kbin.social 5 points 2 years ago

TIL

[–] AnonTwo@kbin.social 3 points 2 years ago

This is unnecessary. Given the nature of capitalism, some kind entrepreneur will delivery to these people molten lava charms

(for a nominal fee of course)

This is of course provided the pharmaceuticals don't develop a molten resistance potion first, then there's no reason for lava charms.

[–] nei7jc@lemmy.world 2 points 2 years ago

I don't really like the feel of swimming in lava in general, not really the temperature that gets to me.