Trans

I had a new, unusual, and unpleasant experience - being a closeted trans femme at a bachelor party.

My brother is getting married this weekend, and I am the “best man”. The irony is overwhelming lol. I’m not out to any of my family, nor will I be at any point in the near future. I strongly suspect that coming out to them will mean the end of those relationships (my family are all devout conservative Catholics). But my brother and I are close in age and grew up together, so I’m very happy to have a place of honor in his wedding. It’s just a weird thing, being surrounded by men, who think I am one too.

If anything, the experience has made me so sure that I am not a man. If that’s a representative slice of men my age, then being a man is something I want nothing to do with.

The dissonance of going from being at home, where my wife genders me correctly and I’m starting to come out to friends, to going back to see my family, is jarring.

In addition, I have my estrogen! Which is exciting! I can’t start taking it yet though, because I need to freeze sperm, since my wife and I want to have kids. I’m getting nervous and kind of antsy though - I don’t know how much the whole thing is going to cost, or if my sperm are even healthy, or if it’ll be covered by my insurance. So I’m worried that it’s going to be a whole ordeal, and it’s the only thing holding me back from starting my HRT.

It has been and is going to be a weird period of time, but I’m hoping August will be a little more calm.

I had a weirdly nice dream. It was about me being mildly embarrassed about having gone up a size in bra and needing to go shopping for a new one, and being lightly teased by a loving partner about it. Don't really remember much else about it but it made me happy ☺️

Sent in the email form to make another attempt at ADHD evaluation (with an entirely different practice/psychologist), hopefully this go around I don't end up feeling like my experiences are being dismissed by the psychologist...

Need to schedule a GP visit as well, want to get myself on something to prevent hair loss ASAP. That and a whole laundry list of other crap to look into that's probably a higher priority to my physical health.

So far it's going pretty well, nothing major happened in real life and on Lemmy things seem calm this week, no one harassing me, at least not yet.

I just told my partner 4 days ago I'm doubting my gender for almost 2 years already. She is really supporting and has many "lightbulb" moments and I have many oh other people don't think about that. Also told one non binary friend they are also really supporting luckily. But they are also the reason of me doubting myself.

I always felt not a real man, but also didn't always want to be a woman. But as a child and teenager when I tried gender no confirming things I had bad experiences in public. So in the back of the closet it went. I have met some trans woman and man in my life, and dated them. But never felt envy or jealousy(don't of that are the right words I'm not native English) until about 2 years ago and met our non binary friend and it hit hard. That something I want to, not exactly like they but something like it.

Not that I know what exactly I want to be and express it. But I can explore things now together with my partner and friend. But I'm also really scared and feel guilty for taking up space. Some times I just want to go back, but sometimes I'm also happy it's out.

But hey shaved my arms and damm that feels good 😊 (I don't like all male things of my body, some or okay) and trying somethings with pronouns.

Soo I think my questioning phase is kinda over ! I think I'm fully accepting my identity as trans woman, just following the euphoria where it leads me !

I just can't wait to try girl clothes, I will order them next month and will spend more time with a queer friend so she can teach me makeup. The look I'm going for is kinda "casual goth", like doc martens, black dress/metal tshirt with a skirt and a few (seemingly) golden jewelry. I already have tatoos lmao. But I don't know if that'll be a good look, I'll see !

My first experience with a sport bra was kinda meh. It was complicated to put on and doesn't really do anything for me in terms of dysphoria/euphoria. I guess that may come with girl clothes and makeup to "complete the look". As opposed to mascara, nail polish and blue lenses (for some reason !). But the nail polish... oh god what a catastrophy. I'm all shaky and putting polish all over my fingers. And sadly, I'm completely incapable of using my blue lenses which really help with my dysphoria.

I'm training my voice too and try to speak with a softer voice with my roomates (which are accepting and very cool). I'm not comfortable with using the full-on girl voice without a woman outfit though, just shy and dysphoric I guess.

BUT, in other news, CW: bad family

My brother called me for help because he just couldn't stomach my father's behavior anymore. I always thought I was crazy, like other "adults" told me when I complained. But having my little brother describing exactly how I felt for years was a wake up call and I had to get him out of here. So, I spent the weekend helping him, reassuring him, helping him find an appartment (which I will pay for so he can be independant from my parents). This all culminated with a call to my aunt because we both were like "are we crazy ? are we just making it all up ? Are we just ungrateful children ?" and we needed an ally in the family. Thankfully she was 100% on our side and he will live at her house while searching for an appartment.

Now I can finally disappear from this family, which is actually a relief and means I can go through the transition process with more peace of mind. I just blocked my father and will hope my mom gets out of there. But as my aunt said "just forget about it all, live your life". So, I will. My steps are a bit shaky for now though. My determination will come back in time.

Ooof sorry I needed to vent and put that all in writing. How's my week been ? Intense.

I wore a cute green dress with black leggings and new gray shoes for the first time in public yesterday. And I did my eyeliner with PROPER wings vs blotchy ones. So that was nice. Tho I was unnerved the whole time, likely bc I was walking alone in public and didn't want confrontation. And BC it was my first public femme appearance. My cis girl friend was proud for me , so I got that going haha

Getting my first round of laser today! I left it way longer than I planned (6 months since I started E) but I guess the next best time is right now. I do wish I got to it right after coming out but life clearly had other plans

Cw: bad family

Kinda meh. My mom and dad criticized me. And of course my older sibling belittled me again "Idiot, schizophrenic, pathetic". Overall everything mixed boredom and depression. Though, I got a very thoughtful present, went to the beach, got a high quality thirst trap from my boyfriend, and some stuff for my hobby so it's not all bad

dilation has become painful where I have wound separation, which has been strange since I felt little pain before - maybe nerves have come online suddenly?

Life is too crazy to think about, I just take it day by day and don't think too much, otherwise I have meltdowns.

Been a real mixed bag, but for the first time in a while it feels like I'm moving forward. Progress is being made toward being a happier and more well adjusted person.

I found my local community! Even better I found a trans elder (I use this term in an endearing, "came before me and knows what she's doing" manner) who is fighting for our social justice. She's quite a stand-up person! After a few more online meetings, I'm looking forward to an in-person group meetup and joining in the fight.

On the flip-side, I had a very unpleasant encounter with a "friend" saying some very transmisogynist things to me this weekend like she was just stating facts. Not everyone is an ally, even within the LGBTQ+ community.

I spent more than is reasonable on farmer’s market strawberries, and goddamn it was worth every penny. And I got to pet someone’s puppy! Would have been a perfect 10/10 day if a random stall guy hadn’t misgendered me. 😔

It’s so frustrating because my dad had what was considered ‘long’ men’s hair where I grew up (past his ears), and that’s kind of where I usually like my hair length to be as well. And the misgendering drops down to 0% as soon as I get a hair cut! It’s nice that this is in practice a fixable problem, but I don’t want to have to constantly pull back from how I like presenting myself because it starts making others more likely to misgender me.

I generally keep myself clean shaven but may also go a day or two without shaving and have extremely obvious facial hair, so are you that unobservant? Have you decided I’m a cis woman with a hormone disorder or a trans woman? It’s very anxiety inducing, trying to both figure out what people are assuming about me and how/if I need to deal with it.

For all that venting, I actually do want to go back. That was one guy who didn’t know me and was only trying to be polite, so I do get it. It’s just one more straw for the camel, you know?