On the fiery side, we might have MAGA troops manning Tesla Tanks.
this post was submitted on 19 Mar 2026
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Fires that entrap passengers are a well-documented and recurring problem with every model in Tesla’s lineup of vehicles, but Cybertrucks appear to have a disproportionate number of known deaths. Safety experts have told the Guardian that the truck’s unique design amplifies the deadly issue. The vehicles come with high-density laminated windows that are harder to break than regular car windows, making escape and rescue difficult when doors won’t unlock. And the trucks are built with materials not commonly used in the industry, like stainless steel, which can complicate the work of emergency responders. The Cybertruck is also the first Tesla model to entirely eliminate door handles on the outside of the vehicle.
First, "unique" design? It's an ugly callback to the wedge-shaped cars of the 80s. It looks like a DeLorean model that refused to render properly, and the dev just went with it.
Second, the decision to exclude door handles is fucking mental. It's a mundane feature that cars have had since the Model T. If they wanted to make a pickup, its handles should resemble those found on a typical pickup. If it's "aesthetics" they're after (which shouldn't matter when it comes to a pickup), some of the best looking cars have had no problem including door handles into its design.
POINT AND LAUGH
That's what futuristic hidden door handles get you. Nice and crispy.
Not all of them act the same way. We have the hidden handles on our 26 Equinox EV but it still pivots open if you press on the opposite side of pulling to act as a normal handle.
"Burned into a charcoal because noone around knew how to sodomize door handle into cooperation." Would fit well on the tombstone
No body no crime
Elon
‘Ere little darlin’ — don't shed no tear.
No, no body, no crime.
I feel like that needs to be a Weird Al Yankovic cover. Although he would not be so morbid
Honestly, it may not be drivable but you could set up mobile crematoriums for people's loved ones in a pop up format and make a tidy little business provided you can clear the $10k the truck is worth daily.
Sounds like a great way to fake your death. The only problem is that everyone will think you died driving a Tesla.
Good point. Back to the drawing board.
No one's going to believe a drawing board disappeared a body.
Ehhh, you'd be surprised what the modern drawing board can do.
Or dispose of evidence.
It... also costs ~~100k~~
Edit: sorry, sorry, 70k — much better
I mean if you're faking your death I don't think you're planning on paying off the loan
Yeah, I guess that's true
I don't understand why it doesn't have a door handle. I don't get it
Think like Steve Jobs. No buttons.
okay but it's a car so it needs buttons and levers and stuff
But it will act as a boat. Temporarily.
Don't Teslas have the highest crash fatality stats on the road or something? Terrible company.
Cybertrucks are 17 times more likely to kill you in a fiery way than the Ford Pinto, the previous record holder.
https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2025/02/report-cybertruck-safety-ford-pinto/
I'm not in any way trying to downplay how bad the cyber-dumpster is, but is that an adequate sample size to extrapolate the fiery-death rate? The article says 17 times the rate of the Pinto, but it was only 5 total fires.
I mean they made millions of Pintos so yeah
Different person, but the Pinto controversy was overblown. Media hype made it an issue when it had similar incident rates with other vehicles at the time.
Ford Pinto - Wikipedia https://share.google/A9xMle5N02j1gPmCl
The biggest issue with the Pinto was not the Pinto itself, it was how Ford discussed the potential issues with it internally. It was their very well documented preference for money over protecting human life that caused the controversy.
We know this really happens all the time, at all companies and in all industries, but Ford was punished for saying the quiet part out loud (amongst themselves) and getting caught doing it. We are all supposed to at least put on a show of human lives being more important than money, and Ford failed to put on the show, and for that they were punished.
We still don't care about human life, but at least we all felt better about it afterwards.
huh, TIL. Thanks!
So it's just 17 times more likely to burn you to death than average cars.
Average car of the 1970s.
With 'murican healthcare prices the fatality rate is a feature.
But maybe they have the lowest crash rate?
So like, crashes cost money right? Someone is responsible. Someone has to pay.
But if everyone dies in an inferno, then nobody is responsible. Who can pay? They're all dead! What medical bills? What repairs? It's all a write off.
Sounds like a high mortality rate with low accident rate is an absolute profitable win!
Free market baby!
According to the article they have higher crash rates and fatalities because the drivers are worse. The cars themselves actually rate fairly high in safety standards.
That being said, I think the safety evaluations are flawed and don’t consider things like electronic locks.
Free cremation — it’s a service!
CaaS
Feature, not a bug.
You could almost say it's like being put into an oven.
I mean you can just say that if you really want
It will be monetised soon enough
Popup on the screen:
Your Tesla is on fire, escape is no longer possible as your subscription to "Escape Hatch" has expired. In order to enable "FlameOn (tm) mode" for rapid immolation, please approve the one time payment of $4,206.90
ouch oof my bones
Cant wait til they start taking volunteers for the Mars rocket
A literal dumpster fire.
Finally, a reason to like Cybertrucks.
🤷
Aww what a shame