Unpopular Opinion

The NIN song Terrible Lie hits me the most of Reznors discography.

For me, it sounds like he WANTED a god to help him, but then they didn't respond.

I grew up in a church. The happiest years of my life was in youth group, excited to grow up and become a youth pastor or a missionary, sharing the gospel.

Now I grew up, and saw the flaws in The Church. TRUE Christians who sell EVERYTHING, and live like Jesus, a traveling helper, are cool, but I've only met 1 in my whole life.

But now, modern christianity is asking for donations to fix the church carpet because 'the pastor doesn't like the colour' and 'donating' KitKat and gingerbeer to the men of the church because its father's day

Why does god have to be such a cunt sometimes?

Maybe "God" is more like the Old Testament one, whereas you craved a benevolent one?

I don't think god really has anybody's wellbeing in mind. It's all about a "long-term plan" but the short-term pain inflicted by it is none of god's concern.

I'm a deeply spiritual person and over my life I've come to the conclusion that any higher being with the power to affect our world is not worthy of worship. I've seen the world they let happen, they're no better than the politicians and billionaires.

Any rational adult Christian needs to have an answer to "why does God let bad things happen" to be all three of those things.

Some assert that bad things are entirely due to mortal choices. Others assert that God lets bad things happen to setup later good things. Both are reasonable answers, though I don't happen to believe either applies to all instances.

I personally think God lets bad things happen for the same reason that authors let bad things happen to their characters. God can see our whole mortal existence unconstrained by time, and from His point of view in Heaven our temporary suffering or painful end are just part of a four dimensional whole most comparable to a role we played on a stage.

Thankfully, the moment of suffering is something Christians assert God Himself incarnated and endured, even going so far as to doubt and fear as he was being killed. Most of us say God lived as one of us and felt all the same wretched emotions humans feel, including exactly the anger and frustration that you describe.

My personal take.

I've never met anyone who remembered teething pain. I believe that after we die we translate into a state where all the suffering we've seen on this level is meaningless.

I have no conception of what a higher power would look like.

Riddick, Vin Diesel's character in Pitch Black (2000) holds the same opinion, so you're in good company.

More seriously, I figure that without suffering and evil, life would be meaningless. Goodness and kindness can only exist if they have an opposite, otherwise they would just be niceness.

then*

I heard a Jewish rabi recently say the tetragrammaton more accurately translates to, "I am becoming what I am becoming," and that rang true for me (I'm not Jewish either). So I'm that sense, G-d is also in development.

Anyway, I spent decades really mad at G-d. I had the opportunity to get off to myself for a few months and had a lot of talks with G-d about it, and eventually become at peace. Just talk. Write. Remember "Jacob" means "wrestled with G-d.'

Find writings from religious scholars and priests about this hurt. Maybe even from other religions. You may feel alone in your hurt and anger but many many many people have experienced this situation and come out the other side with their faith strengthened.

This could be a call to leave simplistic faith behind. The childhood learned level of faith (Good/Bad) is where most adherents stop and that can smack against reality hard.

Maybe some reading for later: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dark_Night_of_the_Soul

Awareness: A de Mello Spirituality Conference in His Own Words https://share.google/dpfEA5EmtIFGXJ5Nj

When things go well we credit ourselves or the people who helped. When things go badly we blame God. Pick one and stick with it.

Have you considered that God may not be universally benevolent? Or God may be building you into a stronger person? Or maybe you're being punished? Maybe God isn't even thinking of you. Maybe God creates the circumstances but doesn't choose to control the outcomes.

I don't know, man. I don't think God chooses to fuck your life up. I don't think he's responsible for unfucking it either. I think hatred for God is a dysfunctional coping mechanism to shift blame away from your own actions.