this post was submitted on 25 Jan 2024
439 points (98.7% liked)

Not The Onion

16927 readers
1470 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
top 29 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] doctortofu@reddthat.com 64 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Funny how god never tells them to do something they don't actually want to do in the first place or that doesn't benefit them, innit?

[–] GladiusB@lemmy.world 22 points 1 year ago (1 children)
[–] irreticent@lemmy.world 6 points 1 year ago

Rita Rudner funny.

[–] Tenthrow@lemmy.world 56 points 1 year ago

And that is pretty much how everything goes in the church. Everything you do is because The Lord told you to. So glad I freed myself from that circus.

[–] ChickenLadyLovesLife@lemmy.world 43 points 1 year ago (1 children)

If you're doing business with a religious son of a bitch, get ... it ... in ... writing. His word isn't worth shit, not with The Good Lord telling him how to fuck you on the deal.

-William S. Burroughs, Advice for Young People

[–] PM_Your_Nudes_Please@lemmy.world 10 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

It’s not wrong. I used to freelance full time. I quickly learned to never trust any company that claimed to be religious. Most companies I worked with were fine. But if I saw a jesus fish on the owner’s car, or a cross on their business card, I knew they were going to try to fleece me. Everything from exceeding contract scope, to just outright refusing to pay after services have been rendered. If you have convinced yourself that God is on your side no matter what, it becomes very easy to justify your shitty actions to yourself.

[–] 800XL@lemmy.world 39 points 1 year ago

Hahahahahahahahaahahahahahaahahaahahahhhhhhhahahahaha

Out of the $1.3 [million], half a million dollars went to the IRS [Internal Revenue Services],

Yeah, so like, don't be so upset because it wasn't really 1.3 million I stole. The g o v e r n m e n t stole a half million of your hard earned money you invested.

Holy men (and women) should stick to the tried-and-true grift of their profession.

[–] agent_flounder@lemmy.world 30 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Even better:

The pastor and his wife marketed their “practically worthless” cryptocurrency, INDXcoin, to Christian communities in Denver, telling them that “God told him people would become wealthy” if they invested, the Colorado Division of Securities said.

[–] AnAngryAlpaca@feddit.de 6 points 1 year ago

Don't tease us, did the pastor become wealthy or not?

[–] thantik@lemmy.world 15 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (2 children)

Most of these people I think somehow manage to fail some mental check on internal dialog. Of course our internal dialogs are like "do iiiit!", but most of us recognize that as wrong and ignore it. I think these guys just go "Oh, lord I've been waiting to hear from you again! Oh, I should just do anything I want!? COOL!"

[–] Jilanico@lemmy.world 17 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Or they are psychopathic liars taking their congregation for a ride.

[–] thantik@lemmy.world 9 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I think there are some genuine delusionals in the mix for sure. But yeah, I'd guess that it's mostly psychopathic liars.

[–] Saltblue@lemmy.world 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

The rubes are delusional, the leaders know exactly what they are doing.

[–] Duamerthrax@lemmy.world 1 points 1 year ago

I don't know. Becoming the Mask is a real thing people do to cope with the grift.

[–] BrianTheeBiscuiteer@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

They all chose "The Dark Urge" playthrough and are failing miserably.

[–] PM_Your_Nudes_Please@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

When you go to reload your quicksave, and realize with horror that you haven’t saved in like three hours.

[–] AllonzeeLV@lemmy.world 11 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Lets be honest, is his story any less believable than the contents of the Bible?

[–] AgentGrimstone@lemmy.world 11 points 1 year ago

He failed the Lord's test miserably

[–] spawnsalot@kbin.social 10 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

"Get yourself something nice. "

  • The big man upstairs
[–] 7u5k3n@lemmy.world 9 points 1 year ago

treat yo self!

*Jesus

[–] Holyginz@lemmy.world 8 points 1 year ago

The lord tells me he should be penniless rotting in prison.

[–] nieceandtows@programming.dev 7 points 1 year ago

So does that mean he's an atheist now?

[–] theodewere@kbin.social 6 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Christ called that Lord Mammon, you heathen.. you're gonna burn in Hell for lying with his name in your mouth..

[–] ef9357@lemmy.sdf.org 4 points 1 year ago

The lord does indeed move in mysterious ways.

[–] Daft_ish@lemmy.world 3 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Lord bling bling

[–] carl_dungeon@lemmy.world 3 points 1 year ago

You cant prove he didn’t and we don’t doubt the word of God in our new christofacist wonderland.

[–] inclementimmigrant@lemmy.world 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Given what I know about Republican God and Supply Side Jesus, I'd say that he's just doing his lord's work as intended.

[–] Zorg@lemmings.world 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Agreed. How what he did is illegal, but the prosperity gospel megachurch pastors, flying around in private jets and living in McEstates the size of castles; is perfectly fine and dandy. Is beyond me.

[–] anarchy79@lemmy.world 3 points 1 year ago

Apparently it is easier getting in the heavenly kingdom on a private jet than on a camel's back.