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guess i’ll just die (pawb.social)

submitted 2 days ago by chosensilence@pawb.social to c/chat@beehaw.org

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idk where else to post this. my state denied me coverage for healthcare and food share for “making too much,” and now since i can’t acquire insurance elsewhere since i simply can’t afford it, i’m going to lose medication that is currently treating a chronic, life shortening illness. i do not have $509 a month to spend on this drug. and since nobody in my state gives a shit about me i am simply going to go without and suffer the consequences of being unmedicated with my disease.

great.

means testing is immoral and fuck everyone who supports it. you are why i won’t be medicated anymore.

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[–] chosensilence@pawb.social 1 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (2 children)

some of us experience negative events routinely. people call it "bad luck" but that implies some kind of superstition. i don't have bad luck. however, it appears i statistically experience negative outcomes far more frequently than people i personally know. it has to happen to somebody. our outcomes exist on a gradient of two probable states; positive or negative, so when you physically "do something" you become your own tool of measurement by interacting with your surrounding environment. you then "record" the outcome observed in our universe through your action: positive or negative. see? no luck. it's just math and shit.

my point is, i am what i am going to describe as quantum unlucky. i don't understand it and it just is what it is, but i am fucking cursed by this universe to experience the shittiest shit as a dumb American. i am beyond exhausted. i cannot convince myself to stay here any longer. i merely exist because i am too afraid to end it. it isn't necessarily the fascists that would do me in, because i have had a life of misery before i became aware of their existence, but they certainly have made everything more bleak.

[–] LassCalibur@beehaw.org 1 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Are you familiar with the Buddhist teaching of The Arrow?

When touched with a feeling of pain, the uninstructed run-of-the-mill person sorrows, grieves, & laments, beats his breast, becomes distraught. So he feels two pains, physical & mental. Just as if they were to shoot a man with an arrow and, right afterward, were to shoot him with another one, so that he would feel the pains of two arrows; in the same way, when touched with a feeling of pain, the uninstructed run-of-the-mill person sorrows, grieves, & laments, beats his breast, becomes distraught. So he feels two pains, physical & mental.

The mental pain is due to our resistance, repulsion, anger, or hatred. Often this resistance takes the form of judgement and anxiety. What are you gaining by holding on to this resistance? Is it worth it?

Thich Nhat Hanh, in his exegesis upon The Arrow in No Mud, No Lotus (p. 46), writes:

...there is real danger attached if you don’t have enough to eat or can’t afford necessary medicine. But you don’t need to make this suffering worse by spinning stories in your head that are much worse than the reality... It’s important to remember that everything is impermanent. A suffering can arise—or can work itself out—for anyone at any moment.

Instead of throwing good energy away on condemning yourself or obsessing over what catastrophes might be lurking around the corner, you can simply be present with the real suffering that is right in front of you, with what is happening right now. Mindfulness is recognizing what is there in the present moment. Suffering is there, yes; but what is also there is that you are still alive...

What has happened to you is wrong, but none the less there is still joy all around you if you choose to find it. I hope that you do! Please take a look at these links and reconsider.

[–] chosensilence@pawb.social 1 points 1 day ago

i truly don't think anyone understands how miserable i find living to be. i genuinely believe existence to be a cruel prank being played on me. i did not consent to exist and i wouldn't have chosen to if somehow there was a me to make that decision. if i could press a button and poof out of existence and the memories of those who knew me i would do it without hesitation. the second arrow is not a disproportionate reaction to the first because the first came from a person who actively wants me dead. when i feel the pain of being dehumanized by the state (taking away my benefits; denying me assistance) and/or those around me (voters who think i am scum), the recognizing of that fact is what causes the second arrow to land and cause even more suffering. but that is just me understanding that these people are impacting my actual life and so i am trying to understand what my future risks are like. i need to look ahead, i need to catastrophize because they are constantly working to take away everything i have and need. my second arrow isn't some kind of pity party or anxious response or depressive episode; my second arrow is me going "fuck they are trying to harm me and i need to be aware and prepared." idk it feels different here, i don't think i see it the same.

[–] slauraure@beehaw.org 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Do you have some community around you? The US looks like a sad place to be any kind of minority right now. I’m certain there are many others feeling the same things as you. You’re not alone.

[–] chosensilence@pawb.social 3 points 1 day ago

not really, unfortunately. i live in a small-sized city (50-60k residents) near two bigger ones, so while we have a decent amount of resources there isn’t much specific to what i need. and i don’t have many local friends either. i do live with my partner and his mother, so i am fortunate there.