appointment is for 11 on Saturday but you got work at 2

okay whatever, i can grab the stuff after the appointment

appointment goes until like 12:30

okay whatever, i can grab the stuff tomorrow

fucking pharmacy is closed on Sunday

I really like painting my nails, as i recently discovered, but buying new colours is so expensive, and if one makes a mistake, it is a kinda expensive mistake, also I don't need a full bottle, just to try things. I guess the ideal solution would be founding a nailpolish club, or something, where people could pool ressources. That is however way above my current comfort level, also I don't have the social connections to start one really.

In slightly related news, I have been unable to go to a meeting of local lgbtq+ ppl, due to their online presence being closed off. Their website hasn't been update since before I moved here. Their alternative is an instagramm page, I don't have an insta account, and I also don't want one to just look at a jpeg, but I might just have to do it anyway. They change location every meeting, which seems like good opsec in a rightwing place, but is deeply frustrating to me, in the moment.

one of the best parts about being trans now is that i actually like myself enough to say nice things about myself and genuinely believe them. I was completely and utterly incapable of doing that when I was "cis". That dumb Family Guy ramble was absolute top tier posting, and it was really funny. I'm not funny, I'm a fucking riot, and I actually believe myself when I say that now

Hanging out in the mega with all of you has made me woefully aware of how bad I am at femme stuff I would love to give advice on femme hairstyles and fashion and you would think I'd have some knowledge about it all considering I spent 16 years of my life nominally as a girl, but I keep drawing blanks. (It's not even that I don't enjoy feminine fashion, I actually like wearing dresses and skirts, but I was only able to start caring about it once I discovered I wasn't a girl myself. And also I have no idea how to style long hair.)

Wow, I had just gotten out of the shower, my hair looked really nice and I actually felt happy about my appearance for once. The euphoria was so strong it made me cry tears of joy, which I don't think has ever happened to me before. Yeah, I might be struggling with every other aspect of my life, but at least I get to be a cute trans girl!

i knew going through HRT would be basically a second puberty but honestly I've been so moody/hormonal in the last month I think just telling myself I'm trans has fucked with my hormones subtly. I haven't felt like this since I was like 17

first HRT appointment in 4 hours. me @ my testosterone

Are 139 pg/mL estradiol 15 ng/dL testosterone (total) good levels? I don't trust my endo and I'm getting myself all in a panic thinking that maybe my levels have just been off which is why things have been the way they've been for the past two years

just checked old paperwork and my e level was in the 200s 6 months prior wtfff how'd it go down after getting my dose upped?

We live in a cis-iety.

AH FUCK I JUST GOT A PHONE CALL FROM PLANNED PARENTHOOD LIKE AN HOUR AGO AND I MISSED IT

Thongs

less affirmation
more discomfort by midday
why did I buy this?

So like idk this is a vent post and I have a lot of fear wrapped up in this but recently my mental health has been quite bad. I am starting to think its my estrogen but really it started after a mushroom trip that left me with a lot of obsessive and intrusive thoughts and anxieties (about 2 months ago). Those specific anxieties have mostly dissipated but I'm still left with this feeling of... general anxiety in my chest. Like, it feels hard to breathe kind of? Everything feels overwhelming. And I've noticed that this gets worse when I inject estrogen, and honestly this scares the fuck out of me.

Before this trip honestly I felt for the most part better than I ever have in my entire life. I was so sure that I was a trans woman. I was on the right path. But now it's like, the estrogen seems to be making me feel like shit? Idk what to do. I don't wanna get off estrogen, I don't want to go back to being a man that's for sure. But like I can't even think straight. I feel miserable and I'm scared I was never meant to be a woman or I made all this up in my head and it'll be like this forever. It's incredibly scary.

Honestly idk what to do. I'm 5 Months in. Maybe my levels are too high? Idk. Maybe I need to get my levels checked

posting to friends like im in transgendercirclejerk but unironically rn. making a long list of which historical periods are fembrained or masc brained rn, was having trouble with the islamic caliphate, but decided that the Ummayads were gender neutral brained, and all the other iterations of the Caliphates were masc brained but Al Andalus and the Ayyubid Sultanate were fembrained

Weird thing about presenting as a woman outside is that there's now a sub-species of guy who will literally make zero effort to not crash into you if you're walking in opposite directions on a sidewalk.

I was checking out my emails and I badly misread one that, said like check out your transition photos and I was very since I don't take pictures of myself. Instead I badly misread it, since the email said check out this transition portfolios. for transitions glasses, but with like the transition glasses left out out of the email title

Been a rough couple days. Really hoping things calm down a bit so I can be around a bit more.

If you had the opportunity to go perma stealth, never get misgendered again, never have anyone know, would you?

I'd like to come out but I really don't want it to be a big deal. I know most people in my life would be very supportive, but I also know that a lot of them (the straight ones) will make it a big thing. I came out as pan to a few people and got hugs and encouragement and "I'm so proud of you." That's very nice and they acted with good intentions and I'm sure a lot of people would like that. But the best reaction, and the one I'm looking for, is just a thumbs up and an "ok". Like I dont want it to matter to anyone that I'm pansexual and agender. But I gotta tell people at some point.

Also I don't dislike the people who do a big celebration, I know they're happy for me. But I just want to be more low-key in general

i have no real way of saying it but i only ever felt like i was male ironically. this feels weird for a trans girl to say, but like, the most relatable fictional character i felt growing up was Ron Swanson from Parks and Rec. Like, the masculinity was just a dumb act.

"Look at me. I have big muscles and big mustache. I trim this big fucking mustache every morning! I took this job because I hate big government and so I can ensure nothing ever gets done. I hate government and love America and the Constitution and the flag! I don't trust banks so I store my money by burying gold in the fucking woods. The same woods where I have my log cabin where I go hunting in because I love hunting and eating lots of meat! I was a central character in a show that ran for 7 seasons and I only smiled like 3 times. I'm the manliest man on earth and no one else comes close, and as my reward I get to wear a visibly miserable stoic scowl in literally every scene for the rest of my life

at some point writing that i think i forgot that i was pretending to be ron swanson. honestly it's been like 8 years since i've seen that show anyway what the fuck do i remember of it

Cw for mentions of suicidality and childhood trauma.

Had a conversation with my mother yesterday where it seemed like she finally came to accept me but talking to her today, nothing has changed since my childhood where I was constantly of ending it. I can only get HRT because she does not know and if I keep living with her, which seems to be the case, I can only keep her from running her mouth by threatening to leave and basically babysitting her. She doesn't understand she did anything wrong and will never understand.

I’m so tired all the time and I know part of it is the ADHD and the OCD but also I wonder how much of it is the background dysphoria. It feels like I’m treading water through life. HRT save me…

I have my first meeting at a second hormone doctor this friday, this time one with recommendations of the local trans community, hopefully it goes better than last time. Also I should probably tell my father what's going on, sometimes soon. I am horrible at lying, it basically only works for me by keeping people from asking the right questions, and he is surely going to ask the right questions soon anyway.