this post was submitted on 24 Jul 2025
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Lemmy Shitpost

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Welcome to Lemmy Shitpost. Here you can shitpost to your hearts content.

Anything and everything goes. Memes, Jokes, Vents and Banter. Though we still have to comply with lemmy.world instance rules. So behave!


Rules:

1. Be Respectful


Refrain from using harmful language pertaining to a protected characteristic: e.g. race, gender, sexuality, disability or religion.

Refrain from being argumentative when responding or commenting to posts/replies. Personal attacks are not welcome here.

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Content that violates the law. Any post/comment found to be in breach of common law will be removed and given to the authorities if required.

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Posting the same post, no matter the intent is against the rules.

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[–] ouRKaoS@lemmy.today 84 points 4 days ago (2 children)

Can you do something about the... gestures vaguely at everything?

[–] balderdash9@lemmy.zip 114 points 4 days ago (4 children)

Sure. Everything in the universe has been shifted slightly to the left:

[–] ouRKaoS@lemmy.today 79 points 4 days ago
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[–] qyron@sopuli.xyz 22 points 3 days ago (8 children)

Okay, let's try this.

Every single human being, gradually, develops empathy and awareness to how their choices affects themselves and others.

This is to happen over a period of a year and will not lead people to despair but to understand the poor choices they have made throughout their lives and lead them to live better lives, with no malice arbored towards others and themselves.

This effect will include the granter of this wish.

[–] balderdash9@lemmy.zip 5 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (3 children)

The seed of a psychic link between all humanity has been planted by your request. It grows, gradually, throughout the year. At first, people can only vaguely feel how others are feeling. In six months, everyone in the same room feels the feelings of everyone else as though the feelings were their own. In a year, humanity is psychically connected to the maximum degree: the Harmonic Human Horde is complete. We now have world peace, but at the cost of our individuality:

(Note: I am not a human being. If you'd like me to join the hive mind, this would require a second wish.)

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[–] OddMinus1@sh.itjust.works 13 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Whenever someone attempts to make a golf swing, change the friction coeficcient of the grip to zero.

[–] balderdash9@lemmy.zip 6 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Sure, there is a period of turmoil on golf courses around the globe. Shenanigans ensue. Eventually, people switch to croquet and disk golf:

[–] OddMinus1@sh.itjust.works 7 points 2 days ago

Mission accomplished.

[–] the_riviera_kid@lemmy.world 21 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Could you dissapear all the facisim thats popping up everywhere? That would be super.

[–] balderdash9@lemmy.zip 21 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago)

The fascism is now undetectable to the vast majority but still happening behind the scenes:

[–] Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de 10 points 3 days ago (2 children)
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[–] Deflated0ne@lemmy.world 6 points 2 days ago (3 children)

5 acres of woodland in the Appalachian Mountains. With a small house on it. Could be 1 room like an old style cabin.

I wanna leave all the bullshit behind. Raise a garden and maybe a few goats and chickens.

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[–] Grostleton@lemmy.dbzer0.com 39 points 4 days ago (3 children)

I'll have a Krabby Patty Deluxe and a double chili kelp fries.

[–] balderdash9@lemmy.zip 35 points 4 days ago

Daring today, aren't we:

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[–] Gonzako@lemmy.world 10 points 3 days ago (2 children)
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[–] macncheese@lemmy.world 5 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Everybody's got to fart loudly once a day in front of people.

[–] balderdash9@lemmy.zip 5 points 2 days ago

Uh, sure? Everyone must fart loudly once a day in front of people OR THEY WILL DIE. (I have made it so that everyone is aware of the aliment.) On the bright side, the social taboo around flatulence goes away:

[–] panda_abyss@lemmy.ca 31 points 4 days ago (2 children)

Let’s try making Karma a real universal force

[–] balderdash9@lemmy.zip 35 points 4 days ago (1 children)

Good one! Your wish has been granted (but in an alternate universe). After a period of turmoil, the citizens of Earth C-132 create a utopic society:

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[–] zbyte64@awful.systems 3 points 2 days ago (1 children)

For the Epstein list to be released and for all the wealthy pesos to be executed.

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[–] Vespair@lemmy.zip 8 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (1 children)

This is a small one, but can you please make it so that all menu descriptions actually list all the major dish components so I'm never surprised by secret onions or mustard again?

Edit: oh no I've been reading your monkey's paw responses.... You're gonna make restaurants disclose everything clearly but ensure that onions and mustard are in every dish from now on, aren't you?

[–] balderdash9@lemmy.zip 5 points 2 days ago

As you say, it has been done; onions and mustard for everyone:

[–] te_abstract_art@lemmy.world 7 points 3 days ago (2 children)

Hello wise one,

I find the Earth's gravity of 9.80665m/s² a bit much. Sometimes my back hurts from standing too long, and the general weight of existence sits heavy on my shoulders.

Can you make it a bit more comfortable please. Maybe 9.80664?

[–] wolframhydroxide@sh.itjust.works 6 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

You find yourself suddenly 3 meters up in the air, which is sufficient to change your personal gravitational acceleration by 0.00001 m/s^2. As you can imagine, it is not fun to fall 3 meters. You do anyway. (Alternatively, the mass of every human-made object on the planet gets deleted into the ether, reducing the total mass of earth, but that's not the simplest solution)

[–] balderdash9@lemmy.zip 4 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Sure, I have now reduced the Earth's gravity to 9.80664% of it's previous value (i.e., ~0.96m/s²) by removing material in the Earth's core and mantle. Everything on Earth now weighs less than on the moon. Earthquakes shake the planet, massive fissures swallow cities whole, and the atmosphere begins to disperse into the vacuum of space. Humans barely have enough time to escape to the moon and Mars: the vast majority are left behind. On the bright side, your back no longer hurts:

[–] te_abstract_art@lemmy.world 4 points 2 days ago

Thanks that's perfect, my back feels great.

If I'm allowed another wish, can I get a space suit? Ideally ASAP

[–] ConstantPain@lemmy.world 7 points 3 days ago (3 children)

A pillow with the perfect height and that doesn't flatten after a week of use.

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[–] hakunawazo@lemmy.world 7 points 3 days ago (3 children)

Ah, Gandalf the Pink. Is that what happens if the Balrog gets you a second time?

[–] wolframhydroxide@sh.itjust.works 5 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago)

That is, canonically, almost exactly what Saruman's robes are supposed to look like:

"I looked then and saw that his robes, which had seemed white, were not so, but were woven of all colours..." - Gandalf the Grey, The Fellowship of the Ring

Iridescent like an opal.

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