Ask Lemmy

Just for the record, I'm going insane wondering what the thing is.

You may be autistic and should get properly diagnosed. I am not joking. Your spouse was trying to do a nice thing for you and maybe even liked the idea of you using something they got you all the time the way you use your current one. Given how you form emotional attachments to old and familiar things and given how you don’t understand your spouse’s hurt, you are very likely on spectrum. Being diagnosed will help give you the tools to better interact with others, and will help those close to you — like your spouse — know how to relate to you more effectively.

(Quick aside, I don't know all the details, so I use a lot of imprecise language to account for uncertainty.)

A very common reason that people like old things is that they are trying to be self sacrificial or frugal to save money. I'm not saying that's why you are, but it's important to realize. Your wife could very easily see you always doing this as you trying to be nice and save money for the family/pair of you rather than getting yourself something nice. I'm sort of like that. I have a weird aversion to spending money so don't always get myself nice things.

Gifts can be given for a lot of different reasons. It's sort of difficult to quantify why because it's something emotional. Giving someone a gift card for something can feel better than giving money because it is more specific to their interests, and giving a specific gift is even moreso.

I think your spouse perhaps sees you every day surrounding yourself with things that they view as old and broken and maybe thinks you're doing it because you don't want to spend the money or treat yourself to something nice. So for a gift, they may have thought "for once, my spouse deserves something nice, I want them to have something nice and new."

Then, when you say "I don't like this, I like my old one" it hurts their feelings perhaps because they think you're saying it's a bad gift. They may have put a lot of thought into this expensive gift, maybe even thinking long and hard about what aspects about it you may use more. I think you said it's a kitchen appliance in another comment? So I'll assume it's something like that, just to help explain. Say it's something like a kitchen top mixer. Maybe they thought about the foods you make and the attachments and may have even thought about specific times you struggled with the older one (that despite working fine, maybe doesn't have features some new ones have). If all of that is true, when you say it's not a good gift, you could be saying all that thought and effort was incorrect.

Something frustrating about this is that there isn't really a right answer. There's not necessarily an objectively correct answer to whether they should've gotten you the gift and whether you were wrong to ask to return it and set a boundary about newer items as gifts. You two are in a relationship. Relationships are about compromise. You brought up the nerdy shirt thing as an example. It could be comparable, but it's hard to say. If the shirt selection process is something like "my spouse likes superman and there is a superman shirt at the store, I'll buy it" and their gift selection process is something like "my spouse uses this item nearly every day, this is how they use it, these are the things they struggle with, these are the features they would benefit from having, I'll get them this one" then no, they aren't comparable. (But, I don't know everything, the thought process could've just been "let me go to an online store and pick the one with the best reviews" and nothing more.) I don't wanna make assumptions and apply them, that's part of why a lot of this is sort of vague and "if if if", but it could very well be that they didn't want the shirts in part because they know they won't wear them and also because they may have thought you weren't putting a lot of thought into them.

Every relationship is unique. We have to not only think about how we show love, but also how we're willing to accept being loved. Gift giving is a love language. This gift may have been a very intimate and genuine expression of love from your spouse. Asking them to return it would hurt their feelings very badly. And it sounds like it did if they had to leave the house.

How did you feel when you agreed to not buy them nerdy shirts? Was it just sort of like "okay, I can do that" or was it devastating? Thinking about compromising and how we both show love and accept love, it might not be comparable. If nerdy shirts bother them but you not being able to give them doesn't upset you, then that's a win, right? No downside. But if you not wanting something new upsets you and it also really upsets your spouse not being able to give them, then it's complicated. And whether or not you should accept the gift isn't really the point I'm making in this moment, I'm just trying to help explain why this situation may not be as comparable to the shirt scenario, despite seeming like it is.

My gut feeling to all of this is that you should just accept gifts. That was how I was raised. Maybe it's just considered a polite thing because of the culture of where I live (southeast US). But that moment is past. You can't go back to how you reacted when you opened it so it's no use talking about. What has happened is that your spouse's feelings are hurt and you hurt them. It doesn't matter who is in the right at this moment, what matters is that you hurt them. You need to apologize for hurting their feelings. Try to understand their feelings and apologize for the things you did that hurt them. Don't provide explanations or defend yourself, because apologies aren't about who is right and wrong, they're about who is hurt.

In general, I think asking someone if you can return their gift is pretty rude. I always try to include a gift receipt in case people want to, but getting told to my face "I returned your gift because I didn't like it" would be upsetting.

I definitely think discussing some new boundaries after this are in order. Not necessarily because either of you did anything wrong (because I also want to give you the benefit of the doubt that this gift may have upset you too), but because this situation led to a scenario where both of you got really upset. Maybe a cash limit on gifts? Maybe gifts over that limit you discuss together? "Honey, you always use that old mixer, and you deserve a new one, I want to get you one." "No, but thank you, I like this because X and Y." Or, if the surprise aspect is important to your spouse and they really don't want to ruin it, maybe you can agree on no gifts over a certain price that are replacements for things you already have? And that if she gets it wrong, you still accept the gift maybe? Maybe you both agree to talk about gifts over that price limit prior to purchase?

Relationships and love can be difficult things. But communication is key. Apologizing is key. Apologize for hurting their feelings without defending your actions or explaining yourself. Once they feel better, talk about what the new boundaries might look like.

I had issues with this, with my partner. They love surprises, and kept trying to learn how to correctly surprise me with a gift.

The sentence that finally got us on the same page:

"I can enjoy a surprise. But I enjoy same event, whatever it is, more, if it is not a surprise. I don't necessarily hate every event that is a surprise. But every surprise is less pleasant to me than the same event would be without the surprise."

This finally got them to stop trying to find a right way to surprise me, and just make a judgement call whether the surprise was worth making it a little less nice for me.

They do still surprise me, sometimes, but they finally understand that there's a cost, to me, to it. And now they weigh that into their decision, and it is so nice for me!

Edit: And we now have a shared understanding that anything big or expensive or hard to store needs to not be a surprise.

It's time for new rules OP, and also a good talk with your S.O. nothing you did is wrong and nothing they did is wrong. It's more about being open and having discussions. They should know these kind of things, and the fact that they don't is both your fault.

No one is suffering here (imo) so that's a great success.

If a gift is given with expectations its not a gift, its a trade you didnt agree to. You have to be able to deny the gift. Maybe you should talk about expectations and preference.

If you made it clear you do not like new things I don't know why your spouse thought this would be different. And then on top of it to need to leave the house to cool off (which that itself is fine, but feeling so strongly about it isn't imo) something feels off.

If I knew my partner didn't like new stuff, and I got her new stuff anyway, I wouldn't take it personally and get very upset about it. Did you talk to your spouse about it yet? Clearly there's a disconnect somewhere but you did nothing wrong by saying you want to return it. Hell, it's not like you returned it already and used that money to buy something else. Or pretended to like it but return it in secret. You're being very open and honest and communicative about your feelings which is good.

Idk, feels like a pretty big overreaction on your spouses part that warrants a conversation.

You have to explain why in a much clearer way.

Explain that you do appreciate it. Explain that if you hadn't had the prior thing you probably would have loved it. But now, it's a change, and it's a big change, in several ways, including the nostalgia factor, and you absolutely appreciate that this thing is newer and more expensive but it doesn't YET make sense for you to make the change and because of that you don't want to make the change.

And because of that, it will just be sitting unused and you don't like the idea of it sitting unused.

It felt bad to you to not use a gift.

And that, wanting to keep what you have, not wanting a change, and not wanting it to sit unused, is why you suggested a return, and not because you don't appreciate it.

I think you'll have to explain the "not wanting change" bit the most, by explaining why you feel that way. Maybe try finding a similar comparison. Imagine you'd gift them expensive jewelry or clothes they feel they couldn't ever wear, maybe something they couldn't wear together with their favorite clothing. A bag that would only sit in a closet. A tool that does more, but is heavier or whatever. Whatever that feels relevant to them, that makes them understand why you feel like you don't want to make the change, not yet.

How should you have initially responded? Hard to say without knowing the people around you, but I'd say it would've been safe to say something like "oh, I don't know if I can replace the current thing yet, I like it too much, and it's got so many years left"

In other words, tell her that the gift was indeed great and that there's wrong with the gift except timing, and emphasize you do not fault her for anything, you're happy she thought of it, you're sorry your reaction made her feel bad, you should've communicated better, and you'll make a change to communicate better.

Perhaps even say something like "I probably should've told you I wanted to use this current thing for much longer, I should've explained more about how I think about these things and how I plan". Because your initial response sucked honestly, and you need to make sure your phrasing don't make her feel she made a mistake.

If she really likes being able to give you gifts, and if she now feels uncertain about being able to give you future gifts (this is very likely, by the way!), you should consider implementing that "communicating better" thing - for example (you don't need to do it exactly like this, IT'S AN EXAMPLE) by maintaining and sharing a list of your existing things plus a wishlist, with details like "don't replace before" and "replace no later than" and "required specs: XYZ". And if she likes feeling like she can put her own touch on it, DO NOT present it as "do exactly this", but rather "you can take inspiration from this".

This is the most autistic thing I’ve read in a month.

One time my wife got me a really nice DeWalt jig saw for Christmas. I already had a jigsaw. It worked well enough for as much as I use it. Although the newer one was better quality and had a few nicer features.

You know what I did? I thanked her and told her how much I appreciated it. She saw something she thought would make my life a little easier and got it for me as a gift. It was a very kind gesture. If it were the wrong one, I probably would have talked to her later and asked if I could exchange it for one that would have suited my needs better while still letting her know that I appreciated what she was trying to do. I'm sure she would have been fine with that.

What I wouldn't have done was gripe at her for buying me a new power tool because I "don't like new things" or "I already have a jigsaw and it works just fine." That would be a terrible idea which would understandably hurt her feelings when she was just trying to do something nice for me.

It wasn't about the "thing". It was about the gesture. The fact that they gave you such a gift shows that they pay attention to what you do and they wanted to give you something to make your life a little easier. That was very thoughtful but you threw it back in their face. I completely understand why they're angry.

It seems to me it would be very difficult, if not impossible, to shop for someone that refuses any "new" item.

Also, how many nerdy t-shirts did you gift them before the rule was in place? How did your partner react to all of those t-shirts? Did they immediately demand you return them?

It is a harsh reaction to request a gift just be returned.

We literally established a rule early in our marriage. I'm not allowed to gift nerdy t shirts. They don't like them. I love them. I thought they would like them but they do not. So they asked me to stop. This feels the same.

This point stood out to me. I'm assuming that you verbally established a "no nerdy t-shirts" rule, but did not verbally establish the "no new items" rule. If it was only implied, or you felt it was obvious to not buy you new gifts, but did not explicitly establish that rule like you did for the t-shirts, then it is not the same. Neither of you are bad or wrong for the moscommunication, but this is a great opportunity to have an open and frank discussion about gift expectations for each other.

I thought this community was a half sarcastic knockoff of the reddit equivalent sub, didn't actually expect to see a serious post lol.

EDIT: For your own sanity, please take the advice here with a grain of salt

Are you neurodivergent? If, then it seems like a clear and typical misunderstanding of expectations.

If not, consider if you might be 😉

Remember, gifting is a shared experience, meant to be appreciated by the giftee as well as the gifter. It's obvious that your partner put thought into the gift, and that should be appreciated. Giving thoughtful gifts is not an easy task. Just because you have a new item does not diminish the value of the old sentimental one. But demanding the new one be returned could easily sow resentment in your relationship that will be revisited every gifting season.

I understand why both of you might be upset but they will eventually understand why it wasn’t the best gift idea for you and all will be fine. Those things happen, don’t interpret so much into it. It might not be as obvious to them as you think it should be that you don’t like new things. Talk about it in a respectful way, they wanted to do something nice for you after all.