this post was submitted on 16 Mar 2026

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[CW: Mentions Suicide, Surgery regret] How to get over regret about bottom surgery without killing myself? (programming.dev)

submitted 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) by MarthaPuppyGirl@programming.dev to c/asktransgender@lemmy.blahaj.zone

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I had bottom surgery almost a year ago and I regret it so much. I didn't say anything up to now I kept getting told that feelings of doubt and uncertainty will get better as it heals, well it's healed for over a month and it hasn't gone away. It's gotten worse! I feel like I'm broken, like part of me is missing. I wish I didn't fucking do this shit. I miss my dick and balls so much.

Don't tell me that I don't regret it and that regret is rare. This isn't the first time I spoke up. I said this shit on Reddit and the dipshits who run r/trans banned me telling me that regret is rare and that I probably don't regret it, and that the chance of me being not trans is tiny. I explained to those dumb fucks that I 100% am trans, am a woman and that I miss my dick and balls and they got me suspended for 3 days and muted me.

I absolutely regret it and I absolutely am a woman. Some days (currently now) I think about killing myself because I know I'll never be whole again. I just want to get in my car and drive off a gate bridge, and that would be it.

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[–] PanGodofPanic@lemmy.blahaj.zone 24 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (1 children)

So uh, slow down a second here. Not to open with hostility but we need to cover something first. Communities like this are often rightfully very suspicious of posts like this, especially phrased like this, because cishet bigots like to shit out emotionally charged posts with the intention of creating discord and getting their screenshots of objectionable replies for recirculation later. Idk if that's what the r/traa mods were actually doing in this case, I'm not them, but it's understandable why they're very on edge about these kinds of posts in our current political climate. I've spoken to several of their mods before, they certainly don't strike me as "dumbasses", so I get the impression there was a lot of misunderstanding happening there, and I'm sorry to hear that.

To get at the actual meat of your issue, though, I have a lot of questions that I promise aren't attacks on you in any way: Why did you get bottom surgery (like, fundamentally)? What were your expectations going in to it, and what were you hoping to achieve with it? What kinds of conversations did you have with mental health professionals and your surgeon about those things? Was dysphoria a motivation for you going into this? If not, what was your driving motivation?

I strongly recommend seeing a gender specialized therapist ASAP if you aren't already. They're gonna be able to do more to help than any social media community ever can.

Edit: removed part about being early in recovery because I misread the start of your post, I thought it said 1 month and not 1 year :( my bad

[–] MarthaPuppyGirl@programming.dev 10 points 1 week ago (1 children)

A lot of the discussions I had with mental health professionals were largely me telling then the things I thought would get me bottom surgery. I thought and was told that I needed bottom surgery to be valid. I was told many things, including that it was required for legal gender change, and that I could be assaulted by someone for having the wrong genitals.

I never actually felt any dysphoria about my penis or testicles, I was told that "numbness" is a form of dysphoria and that I would feel better once I was post-OP but it felt like the worst decision in my life. I was told that's normal and I would feel better as I heal but I didn't it just got worse.

I thought that getting bottom surgery would be as people said, that it would suck while I was healing but it would get better and I would feel more like a woman. I don't feel any more or less like a woman than before but I do feel disgusted and disgusting about what I have now, and I feel sad and miss having a dick and balls.

I hate those cis people you talk of, they are disgusting. They gave me so much fake support on Reddit and all of them told me that I feel bad because I'm a boy and just coping by pretending to be a girl. They refused to call me she/her pronouns saying I need to heal from the delusion. Fuck those people. I hate those people. I probably do need to see a therapist, I don't want to see the ones I was seeing before. They just told me to give it time and that I would adjust. That going through this is normal. Even when I came in one day with stitches in my hand because I broke my bedroom mirror out or disgust and sadness of seeing myself naked after the shower.

[–] PanGodofPanic@lemmy.blahaj.zone 18 points 1 week ago

Damn, I'm really sorry to hear that. I've rarely encountered trans circles openly push other trans people towards bottom surgery, it sounds like you got fucked on advice by a group who've never really encountered genital non-dysphoric trans people. I also completely forgot there's societies where it's required for a legal gender change recognition. The assault thing might actually be true in some capacity regardless, but that should never have been a reason to push you to make the decision. "Numbness" can be a presentation of dysphoria, but it's active and miserable, not passive and unnoticeable. People you talked to seem to have used those words to fit their own experiences but accidentally extrapolated them into yours.

I agree you need new therapists, and I suggest bringing a written document going over all the things you've brought up to us. Out of curiosity, what country/region are you from? It sounds like the therapists (and your social circles) are talking to you with a very outdated idea of what it means to be trans, one I see a lot out of certain regions like the southern US and eastern europe. One that's very "a boy needs boy parts and a girl needs girl parts" and struggling to see how some people won't fit that simple mold (which would explain why everyone keeps trying to tell you that you'll get over it).

Before I poof away back into internet anonymity, I wanna tell you there is hope. It's not easy, and the path to getting everything approved is difficult, but the same surgeons who do successful GRS for trans men can work with you to reconstruct your penis. Look into that, and give yourself something to keep living for.

[–] ProbabalyAmber@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 1 week ago

Trying to separate the things I personally want from the things that the people around me want can be so, so hard. I was raised by my loving, conservative parents who would have sent me to a conversion camp if I had come out to them when I was a kid, because they love me and that's what their echo chamber would have recommend they do as what's best for their kid. I still regret not coming out earlier, even knowing this, as T has done a lot of damage to my body.

I'm transfem, use she/her, and love my penis. We exist, don't let the transmeds tell you otherwise.

I was coerced by my community to stay in the closet much longer than I wanted to, and it caused regrets. You were coerced by your community to undergo a surgery you didn't want, and it caused regrets.

I wish I had advice for you on what to do or where to go next, I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Part of life is learning to live with our regrets, to move forward nonetheless. I think those who are suggesting a therapist are probably correct, a good therapist can help you unpack those big feelings, process them, and move on.

I know it's unconventional in these kinds of spaces but in gonna tell you anyway, I'm praying for you!

[–] TotallynotJessica@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 1 week ago

That's absolutely fucked that people are claiming to know your feelings better than you do (trans reddit has really gone down the toilet in recent years). The only person who can decide if you regret it is you, and your experience making others uncomfortable shouldn't be your problem. Preferring to have a dick and balls does not make you any less of a woman, as I've met cis women who wished they had them and trans women who like their's.

As far as how you move forward, I have no direct answers. I really hope you don't kill yourself and instead seek professional support, because helping with a loss like this is not something us internet peeps are qualified to do. We can only listen, share our own experiences, and affirm your emotions, which might not be everything you need. Since your case isn't common, I'd look for therapists who work through bodily loss more generally AND are trans supportive, although you never know who you'll find.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 1 week ago (2 children)

I had bottom surgery almost a year ago and I regret it so much. I didn’t say anything up to now I kept getting told that feelings of doubt and uncertainty will get better as it heals, well it’s healed for over a month and it hasn’t gone away. It’s gotten worse! I feel like I’m broken, like part of me is missing. I wish I didn’t fucking do this shit. I miss my dick and balls so much

so ... you had bottom surgery a year ago, but you have only healed for a month?

can you help me understand what this means?

[–] MarthaPuppyGirl@programming.dev 3 points 1 week ago (1 children)

It's one month of being fully healed, no soreness or pain anymore. I'm sorry I worded that badly I wasn't and still aren't very well composed. I also do have dyslexia which can make writing difficult and some people won't understand me.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

it's OK, so let me just clarify: You had surgery 1 year (12 months) ago, and after 11 months of healing, you finally were fully healed and there's no pain or soreness - and still felt regret? Even if feelings of regret might be common while healing, it's not like that's a reason to dismiss them, necessarily.

I can't really tell what the process was like for you to get your surgery, maybe you could talk more about how you came to decide to get the surgery?

I think the reason regret rates tend to be so uncommon for trans people is that the gatekeeping is still so extreme - it takes a long time, lots of money, hours of painful procedures for hair removal, and multiple psychiatric evaluations to be approved for this surgery. Because that bar is so much higher than for other surgeries, far fewer people end up regretting it on the other end (even when the surgery is botched or results in functional problems with urination, for example).

Regardless, I would say that if you are feeling suicidal, you should be connecting with professional therapists and working on this with them; ideally gender-informed therapists who have lots of experience working with trans patients and particularly patients navigating surgeries.

Online communities like this are not equipped to help suicidal people, let alone help you through such extreme distress - it's "above our paygrade" in a sense. That said, I'm still happy to listen and talk to you if that might help.

To answer your original question, all I can think is that the experience of having the "wrong genitals" down there is fairly typical of what gender dysphoria is like - and since you are trans and presumably have experience with dysphoria (that's usually why people get bottom surgery to begin with), this is no different. In my experience, this involves lots of escapism, not looking at mirrors, not looking at the offending "bits", etc.

Vaginoplasties are dramatically irreversible, so realistically the therapeutic goal is to come to terms with having a vagina now. This might be work that a therapist could help you with, potentially.

It might also be helpful to seek therapists who specialize in grief and PTSD, since it wouldn't be surprising for those to be related to your current distress.

[–] hildegarde@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 1 week ago (2 children)

My reading is that the feelings noticeably got worse after a month, not that one month was the recovery time.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 1 week ago (1 children)

they were able to clarify that they meant 1 month after they were fully healed (which ... was maybe around 11 months post-op?) ... I think they were just trying to indicate the regret hasn't gone away after being fully healed, which makes more sense now

[–] hildegarde@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Wait... is that actually how long it takes?!? I've not looked into this at all yet because surgery as a concept makes me quite squeamish.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 1 week ago

It depends on what we mean by "fully healed". It also varies from person to person. My physician's assistant under the surgeon told me that vaginoplasty is one of the most varied surgeries in terms of rate of recovery.

In my experience, a lot of healing happened in the first 3 months, and then by 6 months I was cleared for penetrative sex.

12 months is often presented as a time when the aesthetics are not likely to change much and you're "fully" healed - but this can vary significantly.

Even at 9 months I feel almost fully healed, though I still have some sensitivity on my labia (like it's a little bruised), and I have some skin still healing from where a skin graft didn't take and I had complications - but even that hasn't stopped me from rough penetrative sex, and I don't even have skin or other tissue sloughing off onto my dilator when I dilate, or visible when I douche - I just notice that some of the skin is very white where it's still healing.

[–] MarthaPuppyGirl@programming.dev 2 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago)

Yes, that's what I meant. One month of being fully healed, and the feelings of doubt and regret has gotten worse in that time.

[–] AllukaTheCutie7725@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 1 week ago

I'm so sorry that you had to go through this, this post was painful to read. I'm non-OP myself and while I considered surgery before, I ultimately decided it wasn't for me. I can't even begin to imagine what it must be like to go through this, but I do want you to know there are people who are there for you. I know others have said this but please look for a therapist, and try to find some IRL support groups. I know it's hard but things can get better.