Hey, I’m a cis-male and I guess mostly heterosexual.
As I’ve been in therapy for a year, this stuff also came up and I had time to reflect more. And I feel more of a romantic pull to character and personality rather than anything else. And I usually find this in people who have gone through similar weirdness in life as me. It’s just a connection to something deeper in me. And I fantasize about cuddling with such a person together, in front of a bonfire, with rain outside, or whatever. A little cosy get-away with intimacy. Etc.
Sexually then, I just want them to feel as good as possible. So it’s all pretty clear to me.
However, there are problems too. Sexually I feel rather pushed away from a dick, lots of body hair, and other stuff. Which I think might not matter if given time and the right person.
There are also subconscious reactions I have, that I know are stupid and in contrast to my beliefs and actions. I have those not just in the romantic/sexual realm, but everywhere. Anything internalised at a younger age, kinda sticks in one way or another, and is iffy to get out.
For example, my earliest sexual fantasies as a kid also included other boys, but when I moved a bit closer to another boy, I’d get a reaction like I had just committed a war crime. And I feel like I sometimes exhibit the same, even if just for a split-second.
So this, together with never having experienced it, makes it tricky to experiment without hurting people.
Recently I met a guy who I vibed with really well, and we both want to meet again. I’m pretty sure he’s also at least romantically attracted to me, and wants to see more. His face was so warm and genuine. Tenderness, curiosity and some depth. I also want to see more. But I don’t want to hurt him either. Already getting romantically close is a big step, but when feelings get involved or sexual desire, that’s even more of a step and uncharted territory. I’m also very avoidant in general with intimacy… So yeah. Feels kinda hard to discover stuff without causing damage.
Any advice would be very welcome!
Thanks
That's pretty cool and very kind of you. But I was exaggerating, though it does hit me more than it should.
But cognitively I know it's usually not that big of a deal. Sometimes the way I communicated is an issue, or somebody interpreted it wrong, or they are having a bad day, being unreasonable, or I just straight up made a mistake. It could be so many things.
I find this article pretty useful for anyone who might struggle with this and rejection in general:
https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2025/oct/08/stay-true-to-yourself-fly-closer-sun-what-ive-learned-from-50-years-of-rejection