myeyesburn

If only there was some way to prevent this besides thoughts and prayers...

I was dropped on my head before i was even ~~born~~ conceived.

Ftfy ;-)

That man's name? "Albert Einstein!"

They are also stealing all the toilets from the police stations. So far, officers have nothing to go on.

Giving me a hand job. So even if I lose, I've still won. 100 times.

So now I know what my wife is referring to when she says I'm as majestic as an eagle. She just means what I look like when I first wake up.

Not if he said, "No one will ever believe you."

Glad you aren't drinking beer. You could get sand in your Schlitz. 😁

For those unaware, Schlitz is a brand of beer in the US. 😉

Nope, not legal.

Believe it or not, straight to jail.

Or, that's a paddlin'.

Both applicable. Take your pick.

Don't forget the blow!

I'm not your buddy, pal!

It's poop. He eats his poop, doesn't he...?