Transfem

Content warning: suicide, suicidal thoughts

tl;dr: finished transition, am lonely, invisible, bored and suffering, don't know what to do.

When I started my transition I was miserable, but I endured everything, worked on myself, had bad times and even some very good moments. I eventually solved most of my problems. But life as it is now is not enjoyable. I am alone and suffering. I can't go on forever like this. Things need to improve and I don't know how anymore. I want to have real connections again, a place I feel welcome, a significant other.

Feel free to comment on anything I wrote here. Spare some kind words maybe.

About me: I am in my thirties, started transitioning about 10 years ago. Financially stable although somehow I can't keep a job for long. Living situation is ok(left my hometown 3 years ago). I have 2 people I consider friends currently.

My transness: I am definitely trans. Been in denial till I wasn't. Got HRT, my name changed. Getting euphoria from bottom surgery and breast implants, getting gendered female, dressing fem when I feel like it. No doubt about it.

Progress: I learned a lot in therapy. Mostly how to deal with feelings. Healthy coping mechanisms. It really helped with all the shit I experienced in the last years. I started lifting weights again. Done it for most of my life. I stopped it when I started HRT to look less "manly". Now that I lost most of my muscle mass and reduced my gender dysphoria through various things I don't mind getting buff again. Like running, which I never stopped doing, it also helps with my mental health. So thats nice. I wish I could work out even more, it helps my low self esteem.

Alcohol: I improved overall in reducing my alcohol consumption. Switched from booze to beer and wine. Less drinks overall. Analyzing the reasons why I feel compelled to drink and trying to change it(coping and loosening up around people). Also alcohol doesn't feel so good anymore, it ruins my sleep and it messes with my workouts.

Living as trans: I don't really pass as a woman. I could pass better, if I would wear makeup and adapt my style. But I don't feel like doing that. Getting misgendered(which happens maybe 30% of the time) is no big deal. I am used to it and it doesn't hurt very much. I mostly dress androgynous and more of a butch style(although with long hair). I am rather tall for a woman and a bit wide(shoulders) but I have seen women with the same build. I don't experience discrimination, hate or rejection in life as a trans woman(still surprised by that). I don't get stares, remarks or people laughing or asking strange questions. I am basically invisible most of the time, but I do get asked for directions kinda regularly, so I got that. Dating is a mess. T4T is the only thing that seems viable and I do like trans femmes the most(but yeah, my the dating pool is tiny).

Loneliness: Since moving from small to a medium to now a big city I had plenty opportunities to find friends. But so far it wasn't successful. Had a couple relationships, some even lasting multiple years. Friendships too, but with moving cities and life happening they all vanished. So I know what I am missing. I met people and made some friends but nothing worked longtime. Eventually people stop responding and the chats die down. I don't get invited anymore. The conversations are shallow or I don't connect with them.

So far I tried: Volunteering, maker-spaces, hacker-spaces, repair cafes, dating apps, trans meet ups, queer meet ups, leftist self managed spaces, online spaces, pride events, protest events. The one place that I haven't really tried are clubs. I was told spicy stuff happens there. People hooking up, having fun, etc. I am kinda ace and can't deviate from my sleeping routine(morning Person), also I hate loud places, so I avoid those(went there a couple times over the years).

I am an introvert and still have some social anxiety. But I try my best. Looking for like-minded people, trying to start a conversation, just showing up and being a familiar face in case other people strike up a conversation because I suck at that.

The loneliness really hurts. Plus I have low self esteem that makes me feel like I will never excel at anything. Those two things make me feel awful at times and are the only things that can break me. Like, it drives me to the point where I think about detransitioning just so I can have a a better chance at finding friends or a partner. I have been suicidal because of that. But I can cope, for now. I grudgingly started doing more solo activities. Hiking, solo day trips, reading in public. All without seeking out people as a motivation. I have lost a lot of hope that things will improve.

Identity: In my desperation I feel compelled to try to change things about me. Trying more makeup, playing with clothes, acting differently. Maybe passing better might change things but I don't know and I am comfortable with being an androgynous slob. I tried to reinvent myself, but its futile. In the end I return to my original self.

Mental health: I stopped taking my SSRI after 5 years continuous using. I don't think it helped me much. I only have mild to medium depressive episodes lasting 2 days max and occurring maybe 1-4 times a month, now I am closer to one episode a month. My therapist back then insisted on them when I was suicidal in '17. I am at a much better space mentally since then. I can manage stress, depressive episodes, breakdowns. The suicidal episodes are slowly creeping back into my life. I am thinking about getting a therapist again. But I don't know if that and medication are even necessary. Also getting a therapist in Germany is a pain in the ass.

This thought has been bugging me for the past few months. Out of my ~15 partners, only 4 would I describe as "conventionally attractive," and all of those were decidedly fem (1 cis f, 2 tf, 1 sissy), and they were all bottoms. I (32tf) can't and don't want to top.

I consider myself pan and I say I like men, but in practice I only like soft and androgynous types. Fem tops are unicorns, and I seem to only be able to maintain relationships for ~6 months at most. My last relationship with a man was such a disaster that I'm tempted to swing the other way, except I don't want to be an ace side or whatever terms people use to justify what amount to platonic relationships. I'm also too busy to really care about anyone right now. How do other transfems navigate this kind of sexual/romantic difficulty?

I did it, I finally was able to start the process of changing my name and gender legally. Now it takes just 3 more months until the change becommes official. It feels so fucking awesome knowing that I just need 3 more months to be able to change my name and gender everywhere and not having to use my deadname anywhere at all. It fills me with so much euphoria.

Just curious to know what other people use for their injection methods! I do subq and recently had to reduce my draw needle gauge to 21 since I kept coring vials accidentally.

Today, a particularly nice afternoon with some tea and a good book made me aware of one of the greatest things about transition for me: Allowing myself to be soft and permitting softness in my life.

Pre-transition I always felt this toxic need to be hard, to be a man, to be strong and never show emotion. I was trapped in the narrow role men are allowed in cishet-normative society. I felt like the world wanted me to be this boulder without feelings. I even went to the gym to "toughen up", I never went out of my way to make my apartment more comfortable, I never sent heart emojis, I didn't empathise with others nearly as much as I do now.

Now, a year and a half into medical transition and a good two years into social transition, I am so so soft. Physically as well was emotionally and spiritually. My hands are soft, uncallused. My nails are so pretty. My skin is soft. I adore soft fabrics, I'm currently wearing velvet pants that just spark joy. I love curling up in bed in soft blankets, with plushies. I love warmth. I love the feeling of my soft rug when I get out of bed. I allow myself to be soft, to cry when hurt, to feel my emotions. Hell, to feel, at all! I love texting my friends cute things, I love lifting them up and making them feel good when I say I love them. I don't feel bad when I complain about something being hard or cold or unpleasant. I'm a softie, and that's not only okay, that's great!

Feel free to comment if you've had a similar (or different!) experience :) Just sharing a conversation starter here.

cw: TERFs and general transphobia

For the most part, I avoid Reddit like the plague, but when I'm feeling sad, I find myself going on r/terf_trans_alliance, and then I feel worse.

I don't know what drives them to participate, but the minority of trans posters are ridiculed, subjected to abusive comments, and mass downvoted for any attempt to get through to them in a way that isn't absolute self-flagellating placation. Some things I noticed after just a minute or two of scrolling:

There's this stereotype that Reddit is this liberal echo chamber, but I seem to know all of the many places where it's not, and I seek out those places when I know they'll hurt me.

For those of you just on Lemmy, what are your strategies not to stray back to Reddit?

No, but seriously, I'd love to have someone growing inside me. That's my ultimate wish. I REALLY want to be pregnant :(

Anyone else?

Title

I've been on HRT for 6 months, with 5mg weekly injections for the last 3 of those months.
3 months ago, my E was 22 pg/ml, now it is 333 pg/ml.
Doctor says that is too high and is going to to reduce me to a "maintenance dose". Just wanted to check with other people if this is consistent with their experiences. Thanks!

[Asking MtF people who have had genital surgery, ideally in Chicago]

Hello! I started talking to my doctor yesterday about finding a surgeon for a bilateral orchiectomy. We both agreed Chicago would probably be a practical place to find someone experienced in the procedure.

I found two doctors: Dr. Loren Schechter, MD, and Dr. Traci P. Beck, MD. Both have come up in my searching, but I wanted to check if anyone in the community has advice / recommendations for who to go to.

https://www.thepinknews.com/2024/11/12/educational-psychologists-open-letter-cass-review-trans/

The letter was co-authored by Dr Dan O’Hare, a senior lecturer at the University of Bristol, Dr Cora Sargeant, a senior teaching fellow at the University of Southampton, and trainee educational psychologist Christie Ghent.

I'm having trouble locating a copy of the open letter. The pink news article quotes it but doesn't link to it. The author's linked in only posted the pink news article.

Does anybody have research links for scientists/health experts reviewing the Cass review?

I've recently heard the phrase "anything that can be taken sublingual can be taken rectally".

Is this true and can it be applied to estrogen tablets without a shell/coating? Seems like it would bet the swallowing effect from saliva.

And a follow up question, does it need to be jammed in all the way or just past the sphincter muscle?

I've been getting more comfortable with the idea of starting hrt. The 2 main reasons I havent yet are the current US politics and also I'm not ready for my parents to know about that yet and as far as I am aware they would know because I'm on their insurance and it would be in the bill. Diy avoids both of those things though. The one thing idk about is actually paying for it. I'm in college rn and while I did make a good amount of money over the summer, spending $20 per month or however much it is doesn't really sound great but because it is something I genuinely need im not sure and I just want to avoid going through my parents and the medical system

Edit: Also realized I should mention that I am an adult because that's probably important with informed consent stuff

Tl; dr: Had a discussion with my parents, that resulted in them spitting one hell of a lot of transphobic shit, and I ended up harming myself a bit because of it (nothing serious though, just hurt myself without injuring).

So two yesterday they (or I, I dont know anymore) brought me being trans up again. This the resulted in an about 20 minute long discussion, that derailed quite fast. They know that I want to start HRT (but dont know, that I gonna start DIY soon), and are absolutely no fans of it. They did told me in the past, that they belief, that I got talked into it and that I should wait with HRT until I finish university. It was hurtful, but not so bad, that I couldnt handle it. So anyways, back on topic. The topic quickly turned to HRT and they said, that I should be careful, because my mother saw a video of people who regretted it due to health issues. So I basically gave them a short info about what risks exist, how you monitor them, why the pill is more dangerous and why monotherapy is basically harmless. Do you think, these fuckers remembered a single word out of it? No, they didnt. They literally said "You dont know what risks exist", after i fucking explained all of them. They also brought out the ultimative counterargument "You dont know if you arent one of those people who have complications". Yeah. What the fuck? They completely ignored all the shit I said. They also told me, numerous times, that I got talked into it. Either by the Internet, then by the political leftwing party Im part of and then by my social circle. When I explained, that literally no one spoke with me about it ever, they said "But those circles are are quite into the 'trans hype'". I explained to them what dysphoria feels like for me (hating yourself and how you are seen) and got "That sounds like you learned that by heart" as a response. They equated me being trans with my old hobbies, that I no longer have a big interest in, or with "Back then fashion xyz was very in". They also told me, that since I havent "lived as a man and exerted masculinity" (which they equate with sex, while they are technically right its actually a very wild assumption to make) I should try that first and see if I like it, before becoming a woman. The last thing that my dad brought up was the worst of all. He said, that for him this thought "I want to be a woman" does not exist (yeah kinda normal for a cis person was my first thought), BECAUSE "nature did not intended this and only made two genders". I literally felt physical pain hearing this. DO YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING CLUE, WHAT SEAHORSES AND CLOWNFISHES DO? That statement could not be wrong any more. The discussion ended after that and I sent my father a documentary about Queerness in the animal world.

They also said quite a lot of other shit too, but that would require to much explanatory work, but I guess you can imagine how much better it made everything for me (it didnt).

The worst thing is, that they legitimately think, that they are doing good things to me. They always tell me "We accept you and dont want to talk you out of it, but want to give you "thought provoking impulses" to prevent you from something you might regret". I dont think I have to explain it any more, right?

Fast Forward a couple hours. I am lying in bed just chilling and I could feel the dysphoria creeping up on me, as I thought about that discussion again. While the dysphoria was not the worst I ever experienced it still caused quite some physical pain for me. It also newly introduced me to the feeling of absolutely fucking hating my body. I had such an intense disgust for it, I never experienced before. At some point, I realised that I still had a scissor lying next to me, that I used to clean of the dirt below my fingernails. I also realised, that a scissor can be used to hurt yourself without cutting you (or causing any damage to the skin), by stabbing yourself with it or scratching yourself really hard. While the pain this resulted in, was nowhere near being enough to minimise the pain my dysphoria caused, it made my desire to destroy this disgusting body I had to be born into even worse. I then quickly realised, that this isnt that much of a healthy mindset and instead tried to fall asleep (didnt go that well, but ended up working at some point).

I am so insanely frustrating. We are having the same dumb discussions for months now (but usually not nearly as bad as this one), and they seem to not understand a single thing. They say the same stupid shit every single time. It makes me wanting to stay away from them even worse, but sadly I cant really stay away from them 100% of the time. This discussion also made me really scare for when they are going to find out, that I am doing DIY. Are they gonna kick me out? Idk, but I hope they dont. They also made me reconsider starting DIY, not because I dont want to or think its risky, but simply because Im scard of them finding out (dont worry tho, I will do it, but they made me reconsider for a short time). I am also not looking forward to when I gonna force them to use my new name and pronouns in November. This will probably spark one hell of a lot of discussions that will all go horrible.

I am 100% going to contact one of the near trans "Help/Info Organisations" and ask them if they have anything, that might help them to get more accepting, because it cant continue like this.

An analogy: knowing that I'm transgender and unable to transition due to my career is like water dripping into a cup, there's a few drops in there already, enough to cover the bottom, enough to go "well, there's definitely something in there" but sometimes random waves of dysphoria come and drip more into the cup. The tap is usually dripping, sometimes it doesn't drio, but usually it does. Eventually, that cup fills all the way up, and it starts overflowing, that's when it becomes too much to ignore, and it's sitting right there in front of you demanding you to do something. Sometimes you can dump some water out, sometimes you can nearly empty the cup, but there's always some drops left in it.

I think I need to get back in touch with my doctors, but the US is a hostile place and I'm stuck in a progressive industry surrounded by right wing chuds. My company has a strong DEI policy, but it's still a tricky position to be in knowing that even in the early days I'll still have to change in a locker room with co-workers and breast growth/shaven legs are hard to hide. I'm considering just going with compression tanktop and a compression sports bra with cooling base layer pants in the summer. Idk, being a thirty year old technician on an offshore rig while dealing with all of this is intimidating.

Hi, I took my first estradiol cypionate injection this Sunday after staring at the bottle for about a month and I've been experiencing some muscle soreness since. I just want to make sure I haven't fucked up something beyond repair, and it would be nice to talk to some humans about this rather than just following directions off the internet. I'll include my process at the bottom but if someone can tell me "no that happens to everyone, you're good" it would really help me. I understand there's a lot more that goes into DIY HRT and I'm working towards that too.

Injection process I followed for scientific rigor:

If there were no restrictions other than physics and you could have any body you want. Like four arms, elf ears, snake lower body, double vagina, whatever you want. I've been thinking about how I want to change my body a lot lately and it's got me wondering what people would want if they could really choose. Look like a specific celebrity? Be a real life anime girl? Be an amorphous shifting mass as free-form as thought? Be a giant space station? I just keep wondering what bodes we would choose if we really had the choice.

Anyone have any recommendations for larger walking shoes for women that are fairly durable? I'm not looking for super stylish, just shoes that will last. Same goes for the underwear, as getting stuff that lasts is a real pain when you don't know which are the better brands. I'd prefer more expensive stuff if folks know that it's good quality.

In my experience, dysphoric thoughts can be contagious in a way, a particular, dysphoric way of seeing can transmit to other dysphoric trans people who may have not have considered that way of seeing.

(I am of course not implying gender dysphoria is contagious, just that my experiences with dysphoria have in the past caused other dysphoric people to have worse dysphoria.)

So as a precaution, I'll put my cognitohazard dysphoria thoughts behind a spoiler.

These feelings have improved somewhat over time, and it's only been three months since my surgery, so it's still recent-ish. I don't know how long these dysphoric feelings will continue, but I assume they will get better.

I guess I'm looking for reassurance, or at least someone else who has had similar experiences to chime in on theirs.

For obvious reasons, I desperately want to get out of the United States. Unfortunately, every country I look at doesn't seem interested in gaining a retail worker with no savings.

Am I just fucked? Is anywhere accepting us as refugees? Is there anywhere that's both relatively friendly to trans people AND relatively easy for an American to immigrate to?