Shitty Food Porn

Damn... Wtf did you do to piss her off that she boiled the bacon while boiling the eggs?

Are you certain she likes you?

A pig died so that she could boil a part of it into shoe leather. Then you had to eat it. The things we do for sex…

Yeah 🙃 Keep'er far away from the kitchen.

I hope you call your girlfriend BB from now on. Not because it is a bastardization of "Baby" but because it is short for boiled bacon.

My brain is now forever tainted with the idea that you can, and some people do, boil bacon.

Frying both the egg and bacon would probably use much less energy and be 100 times more tasty than whatever this is.. If I have to boil bacon, I might as well not eat it at all.. 😅

Is she... English?!

What crime did she commit against the Bacon?

She shouldn't have

I swear I saw the bacon move.

Did she boil the fucking bacon? Is that how it came out that way? I don't know it's weird. I mean hard-boiled eggs just do that sometimes but what the fuck. It's not hard to throw it in a frying pan. My fiance bakes it which is... Fine...

Hmm, good old weaponized incompetence

"May your bacon always be boiled." is certainly a worthwhile curse.

Red flag.

I'd be grateful to have anyone in my life that would think to cook for me. I'd eat this without complaint and thank them.

Then, I'd offer to teach them to cook. We aren't born knowing how, it's a learned skill.

We shall cook these items in the light of the sun. -Human girlfriend

Well, she's definitely not a cooker.

This was not an act of love, but rather the exact opposite

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think you should keep her away from a kitchen

"Hey, why don't I cook next time?"

BF/GF2 should raise the bar on her, perfect opportunity to flex.

Bacon should be cooked on a single layer in a pan preheated to medium high (about 2/3rds the dial) and flipped after some of the bacon has begun to shrink. Cover and reduce heat, remove from heat once the sizzling sound becomes quieter. The line between perfect bacon and overcooked perhaps slightly burnt is a number of seconds.

For boiled eggs, heat the water to a Rolling Boil. Very important. Then carefully lower in the eggs with some utensils. Wet yoke but cooked whites is usually achieved after about 3 minutes. Fully cooked after 8 to 10 minutes. Rinse the eggs and set in cold water for at least 2 minutes. The egg shells should be able to peel completely off without missing pieces because we brought to water to boil before adding the eggs.

For toast we're going to use my Honey White Bread recipe, but you'll have to rise it for at least 4 hours so maybe start it the night before.

• 4 cups bread flour
• 1 and 1/4 cup water
• 1/6th cup honey
• 1.5 teasp Salt
• 2 teasp Active Yeast (I buy the brown jars, they're more effective than packets because the yeast needs to be alive)
• 1 tablesp olive oil

Mix by hand, then flatten and roll, then flatten and roll the other direction. Continue kneading until one consistent texture. It should be smooth and have a slight gloss to it. If it's too stratified or loose add small amounts of water, if it's too sticky then add flour. Cover with thin plastic or with a wet cloth, if the cloth sticks then wet it some more and it should let go. Rise for 2 hours, knead it again, then move it to the pan to rise it again for at least 2 and up to 16 hours (the longer you wait the more sour-dough like taste it obtains). Prepare either a breadpan, thin and tall work best, or a flat pan with parchment paper by covering it in solid at room temp coconut oil.

Cooking temp and time can depend on pan choice but a safe bet is 385F for about 30 to 40 minutes. You want to pull it out once as much of the crust as possible has browned. You can optionally apply a beaten mixture of egg and water ("egg wash" they call it) with a brush every 10 to 15 minutes to achieve a soft thin crust, then cover with wet cloth after pulling out. If not using egg wash, finish with a brush of olive oil and a light salting near completion and let cool without covering. Let sit for 20 minutes to cool.

I don't have a recipe for butter but salted butter for a topping or unsalted for baking with.