this post was submitted on 28 Sep 2025
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The Onion and other satire w/ layers

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Local man and self-proclaimed “alpha male” Simon Williams, 35, was today spotted scrolling through his phone to double-check what Andrew Tate, Jordan Peterson, and whichever shirtless ‘manosphere coach’ just went viral on TikTok would like him to do next.

Despite declaring himself a lone wolf who “bows to no one,” Simon appears to have constructed his entire personality out of recycled advice barked at him by other men online, including how to sit, how to eat steak, and the correct facial expression to wear while pretending to own a Bugatti.

“He keeps saying he’s an independent leader of men,” said a friend, “but then he’ll excuse himself mid-conversation to watch a YouTube short of a cigar-chomping influencer explaining the correct way to dominate a handshake. [...]


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[–] Deflated0ne@lemmy.world 74 points 6 days ago (3 children)

The guy who wrote that whole "alpha male" bullshit regrets it. Because he was wrong. And has been working to undo that damage for years now.

[–] Tyrq@lemmy.dbzer0.com 39 points 6 days ago (1 children)

If it wasn't him, it would probably be someone else, or some other toxic thing anyway, it's just the label they've given themselves to justify being assholes

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 10 points 6 days ago (1 children)

I'm pretty sure they're talking about the wolf biologist not the manfluencer

[–] Tyrq@lemmy.dbzer0.com 3 points 5 days ago
[–] Nikls94@lemmy.world 13 points 5 days ago (1 children)

He did so not long after he did his alpha male thesis, I think 3 years, but the damage was already done.

Basically: when wolves who don’t know each other are being kept in captivity, one becomes "the alpha" and leads the pack. But in reality, wolves hunt in family packs, whose sizes depend on their prey. Wolves in areas where they hunt moose have bigger families than those hunting deer. This just means that one, two or three litters stay with the family until they find their own. The "alpha" is just the dad.

[–] whaleross@lemmy.world 9 points 5 days ago (1 children)

And lone wolf is nothing to aspire as those without a pack are because they are excluded by the others, be it because they are unstable and dangerous, ill and insane or any other reason. Lone wolves howling at the moon are crying because they are miserable. Much like people that consider themselves lone wolves.

[–] Nikls94@lemmy.world 5 points 5 days ago (1 children)

The lone wolf is the one hunting rabbits and rats, eating carrion. The strong one hunts big game with his father, his mother, and his brothers and sisters, and feasts.

Socially, we have way more in common with wolves than with any of the primates.

[–] explodicle@sh.itjust.works 3 points 5 days ago (1 children)
[–] Jason2357@lemmy.ca 2 points 5 days ago

Sword fight!

[–] shawn1122@sh.itjust.works 10 points 5 days ago (2 children)

Reminds me of Charles Darwin regretting On the Origin of Species because it was used to justify race science and eugenics.

[–] Formfiller@lemmy.world 6 points 5 days ago (1 children)

But the alpha male thing is different in that it was discovered that status isn’t really a thing in wild Wolfpacks. The observations from this study used wolves in captivity. The alpha wolf study has been debunked.

[–] kossa@feddit.org 7 points 5 days ago (1 children)

Then again: the bulk of humanity lives in shitty captivity of economic shackles 😅.

[–] explodicle@sh.itjust.works 2 points 5 days ago

That's ultimately what the eugenecist is selecting for, whether they know it or not. A better slave; an Eloi.

[–] prole@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 5 days ago (1 children)

But evolution is actually real though...

[–] shawn1122@sh.itjust.works 2 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) (1 children)

I should have been more specific. He specifically regretted adopting and popularizing the phrase "survival of the fittest" in On the Origin of Species because European imperialists used it to justify genocide and the Atlantic slave trade.

He wrote The Descent of Man, and Selection in Relation to Sex (which emphasizes cooperation and compassion as crucial for human evolution rather than competition alone) in part as damage control but the cat was already out of the bag.

These atrocities would have likely happened regardless but he certainly felt guilt over contributing to their justification.

[–] prole@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 5 days ago (1 children)

I gotcha... I guess my point was that at least the original thing was based on reality. The "alpha male" wolf thing ended up not even being real.

[–] Jason2357@lemmy.ca 1 points 5 days ago

Meh, it was a woefully inadequate explanation of social behaviour by not acknowledging that it was specific behaviour to a very specific environment. "Survival of the fittest" is also woefully inadequate as an explanation of evolution and creates all sorts of misunderstandings. He would have had an easier time teaching the concept without that phrase.

[–] AlecSadler@lemmy.blahaj.zone 28 points 5 days ago (2 children)

I love people who call themselves an alpha male, because it immediately alerts me that I want nothing to do with them. In fact, I'll take proactive steps to exclude them.

Same as someone calling themselves a Trump supporter. Or a fan of QAnon conspiracies. Or someone with a Blue Lives Matter bumper sticker.

[–] Bennyboybumberchums@lemmy.world 3 points 5 days ago (1 children)

To be fair, those Qanon guys turned out to be right on the money. Well, except for the part where it was the very people in power that they supported that turned out to be the paedos lol.

[–] explodicle@sh.itjust.works 3 points 5 days ago

I'll always hate them for ruining Q in the common vernacular. Now whenever I talk about intergalactic godlike aliens, people think I'm a right-wing idiot.

[–] lemmyknow@lemmy.today 2 points 5 days ago

Yeah, everyone knows anything less than Sigma is unbased af, fr ong

[–] Little8Lost@lemmy.world 16 points 5 days ago

But this is real
Why is it in an onion community?

[–] mikesizachrist@lemmy.world 16 points 5 days ago (2 children)

All these "men" these cuck fairies look up to are such whiny voiced pansies: Ben shapiro, matt walsh, jordan peterson, kash patel, chrowder, tucker carlson, charlie kirk. They're all the softest fucks you've ever seen, but somehow seen as manly men

[–] Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de 6 points 5 days ago (2 children)

jordan peterson at least started out appearing confident and like he had his shit together, comparing then to now is hilarious

[–] shawn1122@sh.itjust.works 4 points 5 days ago

The benzos will do that..

[–] mikesizachrist@lemmy.world 1 points 5 days ago

Makes him worse imo. More understandable that ppl would be duped but still. Fucking pseudo-intelluctual freak; makeshift daddy for lost boys.

[–] prole@lemmy.blahaj.zone 1 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago)

chrowder

I'm so glad Steven Chowder has pretty much disappeared since that video came out of him abusing his pregnant wife.

[–] Bennyboybumberchums@lemmy.world 9 points 5 days ago (1 children)

As the old saying goes, if you have to tell me youre an alpha male... You really arent an alpha male.

As the great Steven Hawking once said, "people who brag about their IQ are losers"

[–] Swedneck@discuss.tchncs.de 9 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) (1 children)

i also follow the lead of other men on the internet, i'm currently a beta male but hope to become stable enough to qualify for release candidate soon, after which it should only be a month or so before i can see full release.

Lord knows how long it'd take without their assistance.

[–] hunnybubny@discuss.tchncs.de 4 points 5 days ago

I have a Release Discord, for just 500 a month you should graduate to stable in no time.

Lol. I call myself "beta" mostly because I don't want to be affiliated with that alpha nonsense, and I think it's funny to be assertive about it. Join me, or don't, it's your call.

[–] Xanthrax@lemmy.world 7 points 6 days ago

This is going to piss off a few lemmy users, lmao

[–] Cevilia@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 5 days ago (1 children)

Ugh, even Newsthump has a paywall now. FFS

[–] MHLoppy@fedia.io 2 points 5 days ago (1 children)

They let you read something like 2-3 articles for free and then, yeah, it'll show you the paywall - it's why I include the archived copy when submitting. You can get around it by deleting the cookies for the site in your browser's data storage if you really want to.

[–] Cevilia@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 5 days ago (1 children)

Yeah, I was able to get at it that way. However, you included the "save page now" link, rather than the archive link. :)

[–] MHLoppy@fedia.io 2 points 5 days ago

However, you included the "save page now" link, rather than the archive link. :)

Omg, what? I didn't even know there was a URL for that, so I don't know how I got it - updated, thanks 🙇‍♂️

[–] EldenLord@lemmy.world 1 points 5 days ago
[–] plyth@feddit.org 1 points 5 days ago

Then there are Christians, Conservatives, Liberals, Socialists. Who doesn't like to glitter their life with some idealization?

[–] Sam_Bass@lemmy.world 1 points 5 days ago

A bow is same as a bend. Both present accessible portals for pleasure and both present inherent risk to the target's safety. This guy appears to be presenting both portals to his masters