this post was submitted on 27 Feb 2025
772 points (98.6% liked)

Greentext

6710 readers
1457 users here now

This is a place to share greentexts and witness the confounding life of Anon. If you're new to the Greentext community, think of it as a sort of zoo with Anon as the main attraction.

Be warned:

If you find yourself getting angry (or god forbid, agreeing) with something Anon has said, you might be doing it wrong.

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
 
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] latenightnoir@lemmy.world 191 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (4 children)

I was out with my friends once in my early twenties, drunk at the limit between "flying high on wings of booze" and "incoherent mass of sick and confusion."

There was this girl who kept catching my eye every time I saw her out and about, and this time she happened to be at the same dive as us. I finally decided to try talking to her, so I kinda' awkwardly accosted her at the bar and I think I started pulling my "over-the-top intellectual" bit for a laugh.

Somehow, it worked! We kept chatting (she was buzzed but significantly more sober than I was), we kept laughing, then she asked me to accompany her on an ATM trip after a while. Now, I'd completely lost my capacity for reading between the lines at this point, so I just took it as a generic action. About midway through the trip, she started pulling in very close to me, my current guess being that she had intended to try smooching. My drunk brain thought "oh, she must be feeling the drag, we need to keep her blood pumping." So I called a race, last one to the ATM is a rotten egg.

Again, surprisingly, she was into it! I could hear her giggling as I was pulling away. I was running like a madman, I could feel my legs moving by themselves. I was a beast, a high-performance machine, a force of nature! Almost started congratulating myself for being such an irresistible hunk, when suddenly I could feel the curb grabbing my left foot. I plunged forward, but luckily my stage fighting reflexes kicked in and I completely unexpectedly started doing landing rolls. I literally rolled the rest of the way to the ATM - about 4-5 meters, not kidding, I'd picked up some serious speed while galloping like a horse on coke. She won and was laughing her ass off, the alcohol inside me had been angered and my brain was oatmeal.

I don't remember many details after that. What I will say, though, is that it worked! Also, that I never again tried wooing or racing anyone while drunk.

[–] 0ops@lemm.ee 65 points 4 months ago

This is what I visit Lemmy for

[–] Gradually_Adjusting@lemmy.world 38 points 4 months ago

Ah, I remember being this age. Thanks for the story, it took me to a really special place.

[–] WillFord27@lemmy.world 13 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

Unexpectedly sweet? I kept waiting for it to turn bad and it never did. Cute!

[–] Webster@lemmy.world 9 points 4 months ago

I was waiting for this to be a setup and you get mugged to withdraw from your ATM. Glad it turned out better lol.

[–] Angelusz@lemmy.world 92 points 4 months ago (5 children)

Putting on big muscles is for the boys, real girls don't actually like it.

[–] echodot@feddit.uk 37 points 4 months ago

Plus of course if you don't put on stupid amounts of muscle you retain the ability to scratch your own nose. Seriously some of the guys at the gym, watching them try their names is a site to behold. The ideal body shape is not the Hulk

[–] Thcdenton@lemmy.world 37 points 4 months ago (1 children)

I don't know what real means anymore

[–] echodot@feddit.uk 26 points 4 months ago (1 children)

In this case real means not emotionally stunted.

[–] Thcdenton@lemmy.world 7 points 4 months ago

How depressing

[–] abbadon420@lemm.ee 14 points 4 months ago (2 children)

Same with beards. You'll get a lot of attention with a nice beard, but not many girls perse

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 6 points 4 months ago (5 children)

I will say as a trans chick who used to have a denial beard, women did love it, but that's because I conditioned it. I got so many comments about how they wished more beards were that soft.

Mind you, I also followed rules 1 and 2

[–] ameancow@lemmy.world 15 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (1 children)

Mind you, I also followed rules 1 and 2

  • A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

  • A robot must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

?

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (4 replies)
[–] ameancow@lemmy.world 6 points 4 months ago

Beards are for for your wife, not for meeting girls.

Married men know what I'm talking about.

[–] ryannathans@aussie.zone 10 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

Amen, same with watches

[–] lightnsfw@reddthat.com 7 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Can confirm. I've gotten exactly one comment from a woman about my physique a couple years ago. I get comments from dudes fairly often. I do still think about what the woman said to me like all the time though.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Cruxifux@feddit.nl 59 points 4 months ago (1 children)

I never tried to impress women at the gym when I was single. I go to the gym to focus on self improvement. I do not like talking to other people when I’m there. I do not like looking at other people when I’m there. I also know that women at the gym mostly loathe men trying to pick them up there. So basically if you’re at the gym you’re a dude to me. And if you’re a dude don’t talk to me.

[–] sit@lemmy.dbzer0.com 15 points 4 months ago (2 children)

Confirmation that the term dude means men as well as women

[–] Cruxifux@feddit.nl 14 points 4 months ago (1 children)

I’ve always used dude as a gender neutral term. I call my wife dude.

[–] achance4cheese@sh.itjust.works 15 points 4 months ago (2 children)
[–] zalgotext@sh.itjust.works 9 points 4 months ago

Hell yeah dude

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] AngryCommieKender@lemmy.world 4 points 4 months ago (2 children)

Always did. Dude just means "city folk." Hence the Dude Ranches that were popular in the early to mid 20th century

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] LaLuzDelSol@lemmy.world 57 points 4 months ago (2 children)

When I was like 10 I remember reading advice in a body building magazine that has stuck with me ever since:

"Don't try to pick up girls, literally or figuratively, at the gym. Women don't feel sexy when they're sweating unless they're already naked."

[–] SkaveRat@discuss.tchncs.de 24 points 4 months ago

ask them to undress before starting the workout.

got it.

[–] ArcaneSlime@lemmy.dbzer0.com 4 points 4 months ago

And every time I mention the fact that there are no places anymore acceptable to ask a woman out besides the bar (not much of a drinker, also not abstinent) or online (I don't even social media):

Some dickhead: Just get a hobby bro, go to the gym!

no.

[–] Kolanaki@pawb.social 34 points 4 months ago (1 children)

Charlie's got a touch of the consumption.

[–] Lilstinker69@lemmy.world 11 points 4 months ago

He's been poisoned by his constituents

[–] Bassman1805@lemmy.world 33 points 4 months ago (11 children)

In high school I had a crush on this girl who had something on her Facebook about really liking gummy worms. I read that, thought "this is my in" so I bought a bag of gummy worms. Honestly, not a bad plan. Next time I saw her, I pulled out my bag of gummy worms and ate a couple.

Did I offer her a gummy worm? No. I was under the impression that she'd see me eating them and say "hey, you like gummy worms too?" And then we'd start chatting and [something] and then we'd start going out.

load more comments (11 replies)
[–] roguetrick@lemmy.world 27 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (2 children)

The correct assumption when you see frank red blood on exertion is either lung injury/infection/cancer or terminal alcoholism. It's usually the later.

[–] Kitathalla@lemy.lol 12 points 4 months ago

Latter*

Also, don't forget the ever fun Mallory-Weiss tears if your sudden exertion involves something like jumping, or, since it's also associated with heavy alcoholism, after a long and good barfing session.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Pregnenolone@lemmy.world 23 points 4 months ago (1 children)

We really are a unique animal aren’t we?

[–] massive_bereavement@fedia.io 21 points 4 months ago (1 children)

At some point a single male spider started dancing for their lives. Don't diss innovation.

[–] Empricorn@feddit.nl 17 points 4 months ago

Wow, it took until their second sentence before they demonstrated how completely unhinged they are.

[–] iAvicenna@lemmy.world 13 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (3 children)

well I mean if she left even without notifying staff or anyone that is a pretty clear red flag but then again so is spurting fake blood to get attention. so maybe they would have made a nice match.

[–] Jakeroxs@sh.itjust.works 11 points 4 months ago (1 children)

I imagine anon just staring down this woman as they puke up blood.

[–] FauxLiving@lemmy.world 6 points 4 months ago (3 children)

that is a pretty clear red flag

This isn't a red flag, this is a predictable psychological response:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bystander_effect

The bystander effect, or bystander apathy, is a social psychological theory that states that individuals are less likely to offer help to a victim in the presence of other people.

[–] Taleya@aussie.zone 11 points 4 months ago

Alternatively: op was not a suave and clever as he thought, has very obviously been macking on this woman, looked at her, took a sip from his gym sippy cup, spat red shit on the floor at her feet and then stared at her.

I'd fucken run too

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] HalfSalesman@lemm.ee 5 points 4 months ago

They both dodged bullets.

[–] ArbitraryValue@sh.itjust.works 10 points 4 months ago (1 children)

I want a version of that appropriate/inappropriate meme but with the guys coughing up blood and both pictures labeled "inappropriate".

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] AlexisFR@jlai.lu 9 points 4 months ago

Yes? Show the other replies please.

[–] Ganbat@lemmy.dbzer0.com 6 points 4 months ago

Look, I'm an autistic fuck who can barely speak to people, but even I've never considered coughing up blood as a conversation starter.

[–] _cryptagion@lemmy.dbzer0.com 5 points 4 months ago (2 children)

This seems like something they should probably see a therapist about? That doesn't seem like the behavior of a healthy mind.

load more comments (2 replies)
load more comments
view more: next ›