this post was submitted on 12 Sep 2025
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Need advice (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) by wintervoid@lemmy.blahaj.zone to c/mtf@lemmy.blahaj.zone
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**So i'm in a bit of a weird position in my life right now. I've known i'm trans for the past 3ish years and recently started college. Most of the people around me seem to be pretty supportive and my parents are also supportive. I already have everyone calling me by my choice name but other then that I havent done anything I really want to actually start to transition so I can stop being depressed and there are some moments where like i really want to buy fem clothes but i go on amazon and its just too big of a mental hurdle to do anything related to transitioning has anyone else experianced something like this where they were in a place where they could transition and nothing was preventing them but they were just too scared to if so how did you deal with it?

Edit: Thanks so much for the advice everyone I think going on hrt is too scary for me but I'll order some fem clothes tomorrow. I really appreciate the advice and kind words <3

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[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 15 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (1 children)

You just do it, basically.

It's legitimately scary but you get used to it and it gets less scary. You just put one foot in front of the other, focus on what is right in front of you, and you lean on whoever is in your life and will support you.

I remember feeling so extremely vulnerable and scared when I first socially transitioned and sitting down to google "how to deal with feeling so vulnerable". It really is overwhelming, I remember that. The first time I left my house in a dress, I thought I was going to be killed in the street. Just going out dressed as a woman and not being harassed or even noticed was really helpful for helping reduce my fears, it was exposure therapy - the more I did it, the less afraid I felt for next time.

This is a side note, but you are very young, and getting on HRT sooner vs later is an issue of harm reduction - I would highly recommend prioritizing that. I picked my chosen name when I was still a teenager, but didn't medically transition for decades after that - the regret is enormous, and this is a common and tragic story with trans people, so I always urge anyone to start HRT ASAP.

In the right doses and route of administration, HRT can help immensely, esp. with depression.

It does get better πŸ«‚

[–] wintervoid@lemmy.blahaj.zone 7 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

I'm really unsure about the medical stuff right now bc of the politics situation even if I live in a blue state though and it feels like so much bigger of a hurdle too because it costs money and I am also not ready to like deal with my parents even though im out to them still

[–] hildegarde@lemmy.blahaj.zone 9 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (1 children)

I understand your concerns. Now is a dangerous time to be trans. But keep in mind, it's also dangerous to have the wrong hormones.

I second dandelion's stance on this. Start HRT as soon as possible. I didn't start on HRT until my 30s and my only regret is not starting sooner. Do not delay.

The HRT did far more about my depression than my clothing.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (1 children)

The HRT did far more about my depression than my clothing.

This is a good point, I fully socially transitioned 3 months before I medically transitioned, and it did not help me at all pretty much compared to the impact of estrogen. tbh I wish I had started estrogen immediately by any means necessary, and then approached social transition more carefully or at a later date - living as a visibly trans person is stressful, but you can take estrogen without social transition and get a lot of the benefits without all the risks, and then transition once you are basically already passing.

(In my case, I forced myself to socially transition in every sphere of my life because otherwise I was worried I would be in the closet the rest of my life and never medically transition or prioritize my needs, and I would go back to being the miserable suicidal person I had become, so I still stand by that choice - but it was rough, I won't lie.)

[–] hildegarde@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 3 weeks ago

I mostly waited until HRT to transition socially. I was presenting fem privately at home for quite some time before HRT. I took an approach of go fem with plausible deniability until the point I felt ready to start pursuing HRT. When I needed new clothes I would buy woman's versions of the clothes I already wore. Nice button down shirt, but this has the buttons backwards. Not a detail anyone notices, but felt better.

The first time I went out wearing a dress was after about a month on HRT. Wasn't really out, wanted to see if anyone would figure it out. It was very strange, I got so many compliments on my outfit, but not on the dress itself, just the other parts of the outfit. It was confusing.

I compared the text message conversations with my wife from the second month of HRT to the year before, and the difference was night and day. The first coworkers I came out to were those who noticed the change in mood and asked follow up questions.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 7 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (1 children)

of course it's your call, and I recommend getting a trans-affirming psychologist who has worked with trans patients to help you work through this as well.

HRT is less of a big deal than it seems, though, and it has huge benefits for mental health, as well as helping prevent the body from further androgenizing. My body became much more male in my 20s, and it gets harder and more expensive to solve later - it's much better if you can get on the right hormones now.

The changes are slow anyway, you don't have to tell anyone you are on estrogen, and coming out to your parents is the worst of it anyway - taking estrogen is entirely consistent with being a woman, there should be nothing surprising about it to anyone you have come out to.

EDIT: if your parents care about your health, give them the medical and scientific evidence that shows HRT saves lives and has better outcomes than nearly any other medical treatment: https://whatweknow.inequality.cornell.edu/topics/lgbt-equality/what-does-the-scholarly-research-say-about-the-well-being-of-transgender-people/

This isn't controversial, and if they care about you, they will want you to be alive and healthy - this is a matter of your well-being, both now and for the rest of your life.

EDIT2: regarding politics, coming out and living as a visibly trans person is harder and riskier than taking estrogen and conforming to cis norms by having a body that passes - and you have a better chance of passing if you start HRT now than if you delay. In my perspective, the politics are exactly why you would want to be on HRT, to pass as cis ASAP and avoid the possibility of not passing in a society that makes good on its genocidal promises, and where the violence and targeting is happening primarily to people who appear gender non-conforming (whether they are trans or not). I live as a cis woman now, after only a year or two on HRT - being so young, it will be easier for you than me.

[–] wintervoid@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Im ngl I know for a fact my parents arent homophobic because my.sister is lesbian it's just that I don't want to deal with explaining to them that I'm on hrt and I feel like I would need bc they're still paying for my insurance

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

again, I suggest talking to a therapist about this, but I think if you sit down and consider the life-long consequences of delaying HRT against the known benefits, I don't think not wanting to tell the parents who are likely accepting (and that you have already come-out to) won't seem like a great reason to delay later.

Spend some time thinking about this, but do please be aware of the consequences of delaying HRT. The depression can be caused by having the wrong sex hormones. We wouldn't tell a diabetic to live without insulin, we wouldn't expect a cis person to live on opposite sex hormones - it's no different for you.

[–] wintervoid@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

What exactly are the consequences? Also like there's still a lot of imposter syndrome because I havent done any social transitioning besides name and gender neutral pronouns which makes me really unsure if I want to do hrt

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (1 children)

It varies from person to person, but there are many.

For the body, androgens continue to masculinize the body:

  • more & thicker body & facial hair
  • new body hair where it wasn't before (on your back, chest, nipples, feet, hands, arms, belly, etc.)
  • increased fat distribution into the shoulders, neck, and belly
  • deepening and heavier, masculine voice

There are also potential the mental side effects:

  • suicidal ideation
  • depression and anhedonia
  • anxiety
  • night terrors

I also saw more hypervigilance, OCD like behavior, and scrupulousness that all reduced when I started estrogen.

(Edited To Add: Also, in trans populations, risks of drug abuse are much higher, and the empirical evidence shows among other benefits, drug abuse is reduced by medical transition.)

Imposter syndrome is very common, I experience it as well, I think tbh most of us experience it.

I completely understand you have to approach this at your own pace, and HRT probably feels scary and very permanent, but not taking HRT also creates permanent changes. You can even try HRT as a trial and as a diagnostic step, for the first 3 months there are no permanent changes from estrogen, and after that the only permanent change is the forming of breast buds that may not go away fully after (though this technically could be solved with surgery later, and surgery might be more required if you don't take HRT young anyway).

This video playlist was important to me figuring out I was trans, and also encouraging about HRT - maybe you will find it helpful?

Also helpful:

[–] wintervoid@lemmy.blahaj.zone 4 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Thank you for the info. I originally thought that the body changing stuff just ended once you become an adult kind of like puberty and knowing that is really helpful. For the mental stuff I already have the first 3 and some other issues but I really don't want night terrors if that's a common issue so I'll try to do it soon. Also I have already read the dysphoria bible and I reread specific sections when I have imposter syndrome to reassure me but thank you anyway <3

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (1 children)

some changes like limb length and bone structure seem to set during puberty, but the body continues to masculinize - I didn't have the ability to grow a beard until sometime in my 20s and it's costing me many thousands of dollars to get it removed now - it's much easier to prevent than to have to later correct with painful and expensive procedures

likewise with the voice - it continues to deepen over a lifetime, actually - men in their 70s have deeper voices than they had in their 40s, androgens continue to impact the vocal folds.

i honestly was misgendered frequently as a teenager and in my early 20s, but I was male passing sometime in my mid 20s due to the deepening of my voice and the presence of a beard shadow.

It's a nightmare to be stuck in a male body, and even without the body impact, it's a serious liability with the mental health - rolling the dice on suicide is extremely reckless, it's ultimately what forced me to transition at all, I was suicidal and my behavior was hurting the people who cared about me.

Night terrors for me were much more common on testosterone, as well as parasomnias in general, and went away on estrogen. I don't know how common they are for others, but I've heard of others having it even though it's not universal.

Your brain might need estrogen, and you will probably want to not have a man's body - so while you're still a boy is the best time to act to prevent that. The next best time is as soon as you can, lol - you can definitely transition later in life, I did it and many do, but it is better to be on estrogen earlier if possible.

I'm sorry to advocate so much for this, I don't want to cause distress, I just want to make sure you are informed and are able to make responsible choices - but I should be clear, it's your choice ultimately, and nobody can make this choice for you.

[–] wintervoid@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

What resources would you recommend specifically for figuring out how to get hrt? I am more willing to take the steps after learning how important it is but I still am unsure especially because as far as I know unless you do diy which is risky you have to go through the medical system which takes really long and also has diagnosis and also that migjt not be a great idea to me bc of current politics

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (1 children)

So, a few things: DIY is not as risky as it sounds, it's a grey market and last time I checked, you can often just buy the stuff you would have been prescribed, i.e. lab-made, pharmaceutical-grade, FDA-regulated estrogen - but a lot of people buy vials that are compounded not by professional labs, which does carry more risk obviously, but those vials are occasionally tested and there haven't been any major incidents or risks as far as I know - so the consensus seems to be that DIY is safe and effective, and you should absolutely consider it an option.

However, since you're in the U.S. there is absolutely no need to go DIY when you can get it through a Rx. There are no mandatory wait times for estrogen in the U.S., you don't usually have to even have a letter from a psychologist. I personally called my primary care physician and told them I have gender dysphoria, and they sent a referral to an endocrinologist I had found that treats trans patients. I did have a three month wait to see the endo, and that is a time I wish I could have gone back and been on DIY while waiting, but when I saw the endo, he prescribed me estrogen that day and I went to a pharmacy and had it filled same-day.

Some IRL friends just go to Planned Parenthood, who have doctors you can see and who operate on an informed consent model, which means you don't need a letter but you can just consent to taking HRT.

As far as diagnosis, those medical records should be private but I absolutely understand the concern. You will need a proper diagnosis for some procedures to be covered by insurance, so something to consider is the long term there - you may not be able to avoid a diagnosis forever depending on your medical needs, but with the Trump admin trying to force hospitals to turn over records I can understand the concern.

Regardless, this is where I would connect with your local trans community and ask which doctors they see. I used to live in the South where trans healthcare was banned for minors, but if you knew the right people, you could still find doctors who would treat patients. One of the ways this is achieved is by the doctors using a different diagnosis code, for example. I have also heard of doctors offering to delete or scrub references to the diagnosis from the medical chart.

So this is a discussion to have with your local trans community and with the doctors they recommend - you may be surprised at what they can do to help you and what your options are. And if that falls through, DIY is a safe, effective, and reasonable alternative (despite how sus it may seem).

And regardless, I think the politics again shouldn't drive you away from treatment, but towards it - concerns about diagnosis are wise and worthwhile, but if your fear of a diagnostic record existing means living as a visibly trans person for longer, the real risks of delayed treatment might be greater on the streets than the potential risks of a medical record existing and later implicating you. Realistically, once we are at the level that a gender dysphoria diagnosis in your private medical records are a direct risk to your safety more than not being cis-passing, you should realistically be fleeing the country.

It might also be tempting to think you can avoid persecution by just not transitioning, but the reality is that you can't choose to be trans, and whether you transition or not won't change the fact of your gender dysphoria - among your options, living without care is one of the worst ones, and the risks from transitioning are overall still lower.

[–] wintervoid@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Any idea how I could find some trans communities irl? I live in a city but I don't know how to look for those types of groups and this is sort of the first time I've gone and actually not lurked and said something on a specifically trans community

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago)

In most cities, there are major pride and LGBT+ organizations (look for the people who organize the local pride parades, for example), and some of those are bound to have a trans support group that meets. That's how I got connected to my local trans community - through pride organizations like that, and trans support groups they hosted.

Trans folks I met through support groups could be really toxic sometimes, it's not like everyone you meet will be great - but often the organizers in the local community will be responsible and able to connect you to resources and the right people.

Also, when I lived in the South, there was actually something like a trans version of a green book, basically a guide to providers in different categories that are safe for trans people - that's how I found my endocrinologist, in the Trans in the South Guide. Sometimes these guides exist for places outside the south as well, so worth googling to find if there are any LGBT+ guides or directories for where you live. I find they're less common in blue states, because the need is strongest in places like the south where risks are higher and there are far fewer people willing to treat trans patients.

[–] Bryllyg@piefed.blahaj.zone 8 points 3 weeks ago

Here are the things I did before I ever bought outwardly facing feminine clothing that helped me pass immediately:

  1. Wear a cute hat
  2. Colorful reusable face masks to match with outfits (a few bucks on amazon)
  3. Cheap but a nice looking purse (20 bucks)
  4. Work on voice (Free! Plenty of videos out there to start with)
  5. Paint fingernails (about 25$ for a 3-in-1 and a color, be sure to use non-acetone remover)
  6. Be well-groomed. (gender affirming barber helps a ton! https://strandsfortrans.org/)
  7. Wearing nice undergarments is a huge boon to self image even if no one else can see them!

As for getting clothing when you are ready, I highly recommend Thrifting. The local thrift store changed my life and building a whole wardrobe from scratch is a huge financial investment otherwise. You can get multiple outfits at a thrift store for the same price as one new garment. It's ridiculous what stores charge for clothing.

When you are really ready, you'll know. Everyone's journey is unique and it's not a race, it's a marathon. Go at your own pace! You can do this and you are worth it!

[–] lwhjp@lemmy.sdf.org 7 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

Not exactly the same, but starting out I felt really apprehensive about going out in overly feminine clothing. I guess I was embarrassed about possibly looking like a parody of a woman, or maybe just doing something new that I wasn't used to. Anyway, the times when I gave in to my fear and wore something plain and androgynous, I'd feel terrible, like I was suppressing myself. I wanted to look and feel pretty and feminine!

So whenever I was choosing my clothes for the day and I felt that "are you sure?" fear, I remembered that feeling of betraying myself by not wearing what I wanted to. At first I did have to force myself a bit, kind of not think about what I was doing, but as soon as I got outside and realized that nobody cared what I was wearing, I could relax and enjoy feeling good about myself. It got a lot easier pretty quickly after that.

I guess my answer is yeah, it is scary and I totally understand being reluctant to take that first step. (On the other hand, you've already come out and are using a new name! I'd have thought that was a much bigger hurdle than a few clothes.) Try not to think too hard about it. You're just ordering clothes; you don't have to wear them, or show them to anybody. Then you can just wear them in your room; nobody has to see. And finally when you're used to that, make a short trip outside, or whatever. Baby steps. If at any point it turns out you don't like it, you can always stop, no harm done, right?

[–] wintervoid@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Also that feeling of betraying yourself that you described is exactly how I felt too which kind of helps with imposter syndrome actually

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 7 points 3 weeks ago (2 children)

for imposter syndrome, I highly recommend reading Yes, You Are Trans Enough by Mia Violet, that book was really helpful for me when I first transitioned πŸ’œ

[–] wintervoid@lemmy.blahaj.zone 7 points 3 weeks ago

I really appreciate the advice I think I'm gonna just try buying some fem clothes tomorrow

[–] lwhjp@lemmy.sdf.org 4 points 3 weeks ago

Yes! I second that. I grew up in a similar environment and it was very reassuring to read about Mia's experiences and thoughts.

[–] wintervoid@lemmy.blahaj.zone 5 points 3 weeks ago

Thank you so much I really appreciate the advice <3

[–] Berengaria_of_Navarre@lemmy.world 7 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

It's worth pointing out that wearing a couple of more feminine items isn't going to stand out that much before coming out my favourite sweater was bought from Monki and clearly not designed for a man. No-one cared. It's a really cute sweater so I only got compliments.

The sweater in question.

So just find one or two things that "spark joy" to express yourself and ease into it. I am currently on the waiting list for the extremely slow and convoluted health system where I live. So I'm in a similar position. I'm waiting for HRT and beard removal to come out generally. And yeah I'm constantly questioning wether or not it's the right choice, but then I think about what my life will be like if I don't transition and I get a cold shiver down my spine.

I get that it's not a great time to be trans but you just have to imagine a future where you don't transition. Personally I would rather the voices calling me a freak come from outside my head. I spent the first half of my life miserable and have no intention of continuing the same way.

[–] dandelion@lemmy.blahaj.zone 3 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

that sweater is adorable, omg 😻

[–] Berengaria_of_Navarre@lemmy.world 3 points 3 weeks ago

I know right? It's a bit short in the arms but otherwise extremely comfortable.

[–] FloMo@lemmy.world 6 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

If clothes are too big of a hurdle perhaps start with smaller steps?

Try a little lip gloss with a shine, a little nail polish, shave something you normally don’t, whatever feels right for YOU!

My best advice without knowing more is to experiment small, let yourself work your way up at your own pace.

The good news is there are no wrong answers here, let yourself explore and try to have as much fun as you can along the way.

Here for you if you want to talk <3

[–] wintervoid@lemmy.blahaj.zone 6 points 3 weeks ago

thank you for the advice

[–] SquishedFly@lemmy.blahaj.zone 2 points 3 weeks ago

What helped me a ton was getting other issues in my life fixed. Especially getting my ADHD meds really made things a lot easier. Starting off small with fingernail paint like I've heard here or growing out your hair is an incredible confidence booster. And if you can't do even fingernails yet, do your toenails and never wear anything open toed. You still have that "hehehe I'm doing something girly" without the struggle of someone seeing anything. (Also helped me a lot getting over the "oh my god, my feet are so huge and manly and ugly" feeling)

[–] cows_are_underrated@feddit.org 1 points 3 weeks ago

I have pretty much the same experience. It was especially bad in times where my mental state has been worse. You always have to remember, that its ok to take it slow and remind yourself about the things you did (as example: Bought youre first skirt, got some underwear, painted your nails for the first time, went out in Girl mode for the first time). I can also only recommend starting a diary. It really helps to be able to tell all the things you feel (and if its just a book). It can also serve you as a record you did and create a record for if you feel down a lot.