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How To Join ICE (theonion.com)

submitted 2 months ago by ZeroCool@lemmy.ca to c/theonion@midwest.social

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As Immigration and Customs Enforcement seeks to increase its presence across the country, the agency is actively recruiting new agents to carry out the Trump administration’s mass deportation campaign. The Onion breaks down how to join ICE.

STEP 1 Be born with something just…missing

STEP 2 Try deporting a few neighbors without the constitutional authority to do so, to see if it’s for you

STEP 3 Unlearn any secondary languages you may know

STEP 4 If filling out the application form presents a challenge, candidates may instead demonstrate how hard they can punch a dog

STEP 5 Undergo background check confirming at least one prior arrest for a violent crime

STEP 6 Click through six-step combat training module

STEP 7 Order police vest from www.costumecorner(dot)com

STEP 8 Grab gun from gun bucket

all 12 comments

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[–] ininewcrow@lemmy.ca 26 points 2 months ago (2 children)

Be male ... between the ages of 20 to 50 ... be Caucasian ... have a working knowledge and appreciation for action films starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Jean Claude Van Damn, Matt Damon and all the Marvel Comics movies.

Applicant must supply their own baseball cap, balaclava, sunglasses and fingerless gloves

[–] ZeroCool@lemmy.ca 12 points 2 months ago

and all the Marvel Comics movies.

Actually, I’m pretty sure they only care about misunderstanding the Punisher.

[–] Lemmyoutofhere@lemmy.ca 6 points 2 months ago (1 children)

You forgot, be a bigoted racist.

[–] HowAbt2day@futurology.today 5 points 2 months ago

I’ve seen examples that confirm self loathing minorities are welcome however growth is severely limited.
Bonus: you can gratuitously say the N word.

[–] LadyAutumn@lemmy.blahaj.zone 16 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago)

Ah, I see they adapted their on-boarding program from the police recruitment process.

[–] Aeao@lemmy.world 11 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (1 children)

I’ve currently job hunting and the thought has crossed my mind “what if I joined and just… did a really crappy job. Like… whoops left the keys in the car and they drove away in it…. My bad”

Just ride it out until I get fired but have a paycheck for a little while.

[–] UniversalBasicJustice@lemmy.dbzer0.com 10 points 2 months ago

Be the circular Venn diagram of malicious compliance and weaponized incompetence. Be the change you want to see.

[–] minorkeys@lemmy.world 4 points 2 months ago (1 children)

How are they getting paid when Congress refuses to pass a budget?

[–] taiyang@lemmy.world 11 points 2 months ago

Knowing the kinda people who join ICE, they'll probably do it for free beer and a chance to kick a Latino.

Real answer though, the admin is giving them two months pay of residual cash they have, same as military and FBI, possibly via their ill gotten tariff gains: https://www.reuters.com/world/us/some-federal-law-enforcement-receive-pay-during-government-shutdown-2025-10-16/

It's actually prolonging the shutdown because Congress tends to cave in the moment the military doesn't get paid.

[–] hash@slrpnk.net 3 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Step 1: Slam a car door on your dick. Cybertruck preferred.

[–] ZeroCool@lemmy.ca 4 points 2 months ago

Well that’s the best use for a cybertruck I’ve ever heard.