minty

HAII

Some initial reflections on now being fully out, and also on the changes from HRT (3 months)

I am a women

I heard one of my dnd friends, whom I had come out the session prior, utter "She" in reference to me. I had forgotten that I told them to use she/her. I was expecting a "he" from habit, but he said "She" and it filled me with such overwhelming joy I shed a tear.

Hearing my friends say "Minty" (not my real name) rather than "John" (not my real dead name) fills me with joy but also relief. Profoud relief. "At last" I think, "my dream has come true". That I am women, in my eyes and theirs. I hope in time in stranger's eyes as well, although I won't tie my sense of womenhood to random folk's approval.

I don't look like a women, but at least I am still seen as a women by my friends and by the people stuck in my computer here.

What also made me happy, is that mum had given me little nickname derived from my new name. That made so so happy. But it's a very complicated happiness. There's relief, but also so much grief inside of it. I feel so sad for my past self. I want to hug her so so bad and let her know she's a beautiful person and it will all be ok. I want to also tell her how tough she is.

HRT Changes

yeah so boobs are cool af. I like the way they look and honestly its so comfortable them just chillin there. They also of course help me feel more feminine.

Smooooth skin. my face is so smooth. Makes my face look a little more feminine to what it was before HRT.

The emotions, are a lot... but I hope it isn't temporary. I just love them so much.

I love crying. I love it so much. I love how easy it is to cry. It makes everything so much easier to deal with. I could be crying about the most traumatic thing in my life and I would almost feel happy. Happy because I can cry, I can cry about the pain I had felt. It's so relieving.

Now its not like I didn't cry at all on T, but it was much much harder and only ever happened if I felt everything was going to collapse. Crying has given so much colour to how I experience despair or stress, its hard to describe. I feel so grateful for it.

I cried a lot writing this and I feel so happy.

aaandd thats it

-Minty

Hiya!

So a little while ago I realised just how dysfunctional I am, in terms of executive functioning. This lead me to consider to get an ADHD diagnosis, which I am going to go through with (to hopefully see if medication helps). The reason why I believe I have ADHD is because my dad has been diagnosed and in terms of our ability to function day to day, we're quite similar.

I have, informally, known I was autistic since I was 17 I think. My mum, some years prior, had asked a family friend who has experience diagnosing autism if I had it. She asked after my dad was formally diagnosed. Not sure why she didn't proceed to ask for a formal diagnosis at a specialised clinic? Presumably because of the cost I would imagine.

For context, I am in Australia. I was going to seek diagnosis for autism a couple years back, but it was going to cost 3 grand. I did find some lower price clinics that cost half that, but still. That pushed me away, especially considering I already know.

My thinking now, or at least before a couple days ago, obtaining an autism diagnosis so I could get some support... but of course, what support lmao?? I am working with a psych right now, and she just accepts I know I am autistic so in that sense there's no need.

I am wondering if there is any material benefit to getting a formal diagnosis when I already KNOW I am autistic??

-Minty

Hiiiii

I came out to my dad!! Via email lmaoo. It went well!! Like really well.

I was surpised by his reaction. I was expecting much more hesitation. But nope. So now I can finally fucking relax about it, since now I am out to everyone that matters.

I do now feel very silly working myself up. I had a panic attack at the dnd session thinking about coming out to him. I feel like I judged him. I felt very paranoid about him. I know he absolutely has said transphobic things, but they feel like false memories now. I suppose however he has never been hateful towards trans people. Or maybe he its such a positive reaction because its me, and not someone else?

So while I accept that he accepts me, I still can't get out of my head all the other things he has said. I have terrible memory, so ive begun writing notes on the things he says. Its such a jarring thing reading it. He honestly frightens me and disturbs me a bit. Makes me doubt his acceptance. I dont know who he is.

Oh well lmao. A convo with the pscyh to be had.

And also I am now fully, publicly, a women!!! So thats cool.

-Minty

hellooo

I made a post ages ago (well like a few months ago) on coming out to my dad.

So I am going to come out to him this tuesday. The tits are coming through and its getting hotter (no jumpers) so won't be able to hide the changes in a few months in all likelihood.

The plan is: I have dnd on tuesday, and have requested a day off from work. I will email him at like 6pm, and stay over at my friends place for the night (have to anyway since dnd is so FAR away). Then I'll have work the day after and won't seem until like 8pm. Also I get the support from the dnd group.

I know it sounds cowardly to kinda run away, and not talk to him directly but this is probably the least stressful for the both of us. We can both process what's happening for a whole day, rather than in the space of 10 seconds and say something we'll regret.

I am 24 years old so I feel a little pathetic for being so scared to just say it. Plus I do have support from literally everybody else. My mum, my brother, his partner, friends. Everyone I love but him.

There is also another layer of ridiculousness to my fear. He knows I crossdress and stuff. He's seen me. I had a whole 3-4 years femboy era lol.

Is he fine with it? well yes, in terms of respecting my autonomy as an adult. But I wonder, does he think I am a sort of freak for doing that? Or does he think its just something I do. I dont know. He never fucking says anything. He's never really talked with me about anything emotional, at least from memory.

I do know he does judge non-passing trans women. I know that because of some comments he's made in the past. He also watches dodge af youtube channels. So idk.

The guy also says a lot of fashy shit. Luckily for me not really towards trans folk? its mostly racism with him.

I think I hate any sort of conflict. Like if he brings up regret rates, or health issues, says I'll never be a women I just won't be able to defend myself. I think i'll just cry or something and hope mum steps in and then also hope there's no yelling. I feel very pathetic and childlike.

As I said, I have a lot of support so I'll be fine materially and physically. And mostly emotionally.

Ramble over. made this post to just vent while I wait for another psych appointment.

Hope you all have a lovely day/evening/night!

I just wanna rant about being so FAR from any lgbt events or groups, or any event for that matter that isnt rural specific which im not interested in.

It takes like hours to get to the city CBD. Any event that isnt in the CBD and we're looking at 3 god damn hours.

I do make the 3 hour travel for DND (met them at uni) but holy shit it gets tiring. But they do let me stay over so it isnt too much of a hassle and its not super frequent.

Theres a social group I found recently buuuttt its late and takes again, 3 god damn hours. I would have to book a hotel, which I can afford so I suppose Ill suck it up but I hate how I have to pay extra. Its also once a month so I kinda need to budget on it being the responsible adult I am :(

Anyway rant over lol

I dont mean the experience of autism being awesome, its often in my experience, absolutely fucking terrible. What I mean is that the word autism itself that explains me and thats awesome. It makes it so much easier to accept myself.

Even better, there are communties around autism (as you can see lol) so I dont feel so alone. I can learn from other people how to cope that actually are similar to me.

My friends often joke about autistic experiences/observatiobs (a few of us are autistic), and while perhaps thats something to be careful about, I feel as though I just dont need to worry about being weird around them. They understand that I may say odd things or stutter, or whatever else. The knowledge of the autistic experience aids with this. (although not required, since empathy and paitence are things).

it feels as though the word autism washes away all the times ive been called weird or a freak, called a sook or whatever else. I know I should improve myself despite my limitations, but knowing the limitations are there and therefore not to be so hard on myself is so relieving.

The thought of this word never being in my life and I just wonder what the hell is wrong with me is so damn lonely. I guess I did experience that throughout my childhood, and it did indeed feel terrible.

Anyway, midnight rant over.

Hope you all have a wonderful day/night.

-Minty

Hellooo!

I was wondering if anyone else experiences this.

During some sort of argument or really just discussing anything with emotion, my emotions become overwhelming. My voice start shaking, I cry and I am quickly unable to speak. Not great for relationships. This also causes me to go to great lengths to avoid conflict.

Is this a typical in autistic folk? Or is it unrelated? I am just looking to try and explain whats happening

Naturally as I transition, I am thinking about what I should name myself.

So far:

Lilly - just like the ring of it.

Stella - really like this one. It means star in latin so thats cool, and I think it suits me.

Sophie - thinking about naming myself after the 1700s/1800s mathematician sophie germain. I'm obsessed with maths so it suits me on that level, but tbh I still like stella more.

Anyway, thats it!

-minty

Came out to my mum, but will need to at some point come out to my dad.

Problem is, my dad, is straight up chronically online and is transphobic. Maybe not quite michael knowles transphobic but he thinks the whole thing is ridiculous and is just a fetish.

I'm planning to come out to my brother (who definitely isnt transphobic) before hand, to get as much "backup" as possible. My mum is ok with it so i have backup there lol.

Im considering just not telling him until ive moved out, so that I dont have to put up with him but idk, thats probs far out (at least a year)

Help :(

Wanted to say hello 🖐 and ask if anyone else has experience this.

I started estrogen very recently, and I've noticed that I am more tired than usual, and a little dizzy?? (Could be unrelated ofc). Wondering if anyone has also experienced this?

I did some basic online research, and it does seem to be a thing. I will of course mention this to my doctor if it keeps ongoing.