this post was submitted on 25 Jul 2025
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So before anything I'm a trans woman (20), I do not claim to be a real woman or try to put women down or mock them. So please I'd like to ask you to abstein from comments about it because I already know what I am.

I've been trying dating apps because they feel safer than just dating people from your daily life when I was a teen (friends and classmates).

I do have a note on my profile that notifies these men about what I am before they can chat with me, some unmatch, others will say bad stuff before leaving, but another big amount stay. Everything goes fine we chat for a long time, we have a few dates, but in the end they all seem to lose interest at some point.

It just makes me so tired of meeting a lot of different men every month. I don't understand what they want.

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[–] Shayeta@feddit.org 4 points 1 day ago (1 children)

My best guess is that they were open to the idea but ended up realizing it's not for them - and then feeling too uncomfortable to communicate it properly?

Since you're tired of dating apps here's an alternate suggestion: Go over the hobbies you have, and find which ones have IRL communities - and then join them. Hell, if you find communities for hobbies you don't have but seem interesting to you, try em out.

An important mindset to have is: DO NOT go in with the expectation to find a partner. Go in with the goal of just socializing and having fun, but don't force it, its "doing fun stuff with like-minded people", not "scouting for a partner".

From there on, the more people you are exposed to, the likelier you are to stumble upon someone you click with romantically. You would also be surprised how many people find partners through mutual friends.

[–] choihanna@lemmy.zip 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Okay the issue here is, I've done this before and it didn't work. And right now I'm not on a stage where I want to expose my transness to my social circle, what's most likely to happen if I tell a guy who is into me is that he will be shocked and tell a lot of people. Also there's barely any men interested in my hobbies unless they're gay

[–] Shayeta@feddit.org 2 points 1 day ago

Completely fair, it is unfortunate society is the way it is. The frustrating part is that what we desire is located somewhere within that society, and there is no way around having to engage with that society in order to get it. Hardship is unavoidable.

We fight tooth and nail for the smallest morsels of happiness. It is not fair, it is not worth the effort, but what other option is there?

I wish you good luck.

[–] ToiletFlushShowerScream@lemmy.world 4 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Isn't it natural to date people, and if it's not a good fit to eventually move on?

[–] elbarto777@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago

The problem is the ghosting. As a cis gendered heterosexual male, I've had my share of ghosting dates, but not the amount OP is talking about (100% of them.)

[–] choihanna@lemmy.zip 2 points 1 day ago

Uhhh yes, but maybe I'm confused about why they don't give signals of not being a good fit untill they stop talking out of nowhere. Maybe it's my personality I don't know

[–] Angry_Autist@lemmy.world 4 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Dating is hard, especially nowadays. You DON'T WANT any of them that eventually leave anyway because it will NEVER be a healthy relationship if you somehow managed it

Find someone who cherishes YOU. Just be aware it may take more time than some, but there are plenty of people who strike out just as often for a variety of reasons

Keep looking, keep asking for feedback from them, it's not easy but relationships never are

[–] choihanna@lemmy.zip 4 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Thanks 🫶🏻 something that I noticed that makes them leave a lot is when I ask if they're bisexual. Because in my mind if they're willing to have a relationship with a trans woman then they must be bisexual? It's just an opinion I don't understand why lose interest just because of that

[–] Mediocre_Bard@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago

If you are asking young men, who are bathed and saturated in toxic masculinity, if they are bisexual, then they will perceive this as a direct challenge to their manhood.

In all honesty, you should not ask this question.

Having said that, men who are comfortable with their sexuality won't care about this. However, that comfort typically comes with age.

[–] Angry_Autist@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Then give them space to label themselves, not all men are introspective or self-aware

The last 60 years has majorly fucked with labels and masculinity, and what seems like a simple question to smooth the relationship to you may feel like an identity attack to them.

The less labels used the better, allow people's actions to define them

[–] choihanna@lemmy.zip 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

But sexuality is not just a label, and it sounds like internalized homophobia. If you're attracted to a male of any kind you're at least bisexual and there's nothing wrong with it.

[–] Mediocre_Bard@lemmy.world 1 points 1 day ago (1 children)

I guarantee that the boys in these conversations believe that there is something wrong with this.

[–] MITM0@lemmy.world 3 points 1 day ago

Source: I said so

[–] MusicSoulEdu@lemmy.ca 3 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Sounds like you need a break from dating.

[–] choihanna@lemmy.zip 1 points 1 day ago

Honestly I might give up on it, it's not something that you really need to live 🤷🏻‍♀️

[–] MITM0@lemmy.world 1 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Maybe they're not into you.

[–] choihanna@lemmy.zip 0 points 1 day ago

Why match then? Lol

[–] invertedspear@lemmy.zip 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

The only fact provided is that you were AMAB. Obviously this is limiting your dating pool, but so would many other immediate physical attributes. I will bet that in some cases you found guys that were trying to be open to it, but after a few dates figured out they weren’t as open to it as they thought.

Beyond that, what kind of conversations are you having? Are you finding shared interests? Are you sensing a spark that fades before it can catch fire? What kind of dates are you going on? Is there any personality clicking at all?

[–] choihanna@lemmy.zip 2 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

Honestly? No, my hobbies are gardening, reading and writing, and most guys are into videogames and gym. Like all of them it just feels so stupid how a lot of them like those two things. But at the same time I might not see a man with my same hobbies as masculine, which is a huge turn off for me.

[–] Noel_Skum@sh.itjust.works 12 points 2 days ago

A lot of men don’t know what they want… they might just have their interest piqued by your, relatively, novel circumstances.

Sometimes there’ll be no spark - I guess that’s the nature of dating. For others there may be a spark but fear, social pressure etcetera will put them off.

Good luck.

[–] protist@mander.xyz 47 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago)

I remember being 20 over 20 years ago, and my dating life was a hot mess. Almost everyone I knew had a dating life that was a hot mess. You're really, really young and have a ton of life ahead of you. Don't get discouraged before you even start.

[–] MangioneDontMiss@lemmy.ca 9 points 2 days ago (2 children)

I dont need to go further than the 6th word to know the answer. You know it. We know it. Sorry. Just face reality.

[–] Iceblade02@lemmy.world 10 points 2 days ago (1 children)

This comment has received several reports, but I am not going to remove it – it is polite and to the point in answering OP's question.

Yes, honesty can feel hurtful to some, no, it's not breaking any rules of Lemmy.world or this community (in my view as moderator).

Remember to be excellent to each other.

/Ice

[–] erin@piefed.blahaj.zone 0 points 1 day ago (2 children)

That's not "the truth," that's blatant transphobia. That is a statement that trans women aren't "real" women.

[–] Mediocre_Bard@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)

I don't think that identifying that someone else identifies as trans is transphobic, and they certainly didn't say that trans women aren't real women.

I dont need to go further than the 6th word to know the answer. You know it. We know it. Sorry. Just face reality.

I read this in a couple of ways. First, it could mean that the dating pool for trans women, when compared to cis women, is incredibly small. Second, it could mean that by virtue of being a trans woman, the op has to expect some amount of experimentation on the part of her partners, and in romance more experiments fail than succeed.

[–] elbarto777@lemmy.world 2 points 1 day ago

And there could be other factors not related to being trans as well.

OP could be ugly, or clingy, or "mean when drunk" etc.

I'm a heterosexual cis man, ugly as fuck, and in my decades of dating, I'd say 90% of my relationships fail after a couple of months. I could have attributed at being a bit overweight, or being brown in a relatively white region, or being an immigrant. But I've seen others with my characteristics succeed where I fail. My odds improved with introspection and willingness to adapt.

OP, if you're still reading the comments, we need more info.

[–] Iceblade02@lemmy.world 1 points 1 day ago

That's not how I read the comment, and I very much doubt that's how it was intended or how most people interpreted it.

[–] choihanna@lemmy.zip 6 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Thanks for the honesty, yes I know it and it's understandable. What I don't understand is why stay several dates?

[–] MangioneDontMiss@lemmy.ca 2 points 1 day ago

People are shitty.

[–] southsamurai@sh.itjust.works 9 points 2 days ago

Looking over all the comments you've made, I think what you're running into is an issue with the limitations of dating apps. There's only so much you can have on them up front, so a lot of the real work has to come later. So all you're really able to screen for is the absolute basics.

This means that you'll get matches that aren't good matches, but neither of you know it ahead of time.

So you end up with matches that aren't interested in you as a person, just their idea of what you might be. Since ideas and reality rarely come together, you end up with mostly false matches. It's not even because you're trans, though that does change and limit how many initial interests you'll get. Cis women have the same trouble. Hell, men have the same trouble tbh, it's just that dating apps skew the kind of interactions you can have so that men very rarely are in the position you're in. Being trans just amplifies the flaws inherent to the system

[–] FireRetardant@lemmy.world 33 points 3 days ago (2 children)

I can't answer why its happening, but as a man, this is almost the exact experience a lot of us men have on dating apps if we even get matches. Lots of little dates and chats but it rarely ever goes anywhere so i can offer sympathy on why that feels frustrating. Tbh i think meeting people in real life is better as you can gauge the chemistry between two people better irl than over texting. The hard part is that for many young people there are not a lot of places outside of school or work to meet people anymore. Many of our aocial spaces have shifted to online spaces and human relationships aren't fully prepared to catch up to our ever increaaing digital world.

If you feel overhwlemed and burnt out by your experiences online and going on so many dates i would recomend just taking a break from the online dating scene. You're still very young and the world is full of oppourtunity to meet someone who loves you.

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[–] Alcan@lemmy.world 21 points 3 days ago (4 children)

You are a real woman, at least if you're not an AI. Dating apps are really a battlefield. I remember comparing doing a match to an Isaac run; you start, have some ways, and maybe if all goes well, you win (whatever you find as a win). And in the end you need to do a lot of runs.

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[–] SomethingBlack@lemmy.world 18 points 3 days ago

I don't understand what they want

Most people don't understand what other people want. To start, don't try to figure out what they want. Focus on what you want. Do they meet your wants/needs in a potential partner. If they do ask them what they're looking for in a potential partner.

As is commonly discussed, communication is the most important part of a functioning relationship. If you don't know what you want, how can you communicate it to your partner.

If you don't ask and they don't tell you what they want, there is no tried and true way to find out.

Dating is about finding someone compatible, if we could tell you what all men and all women want wouldn't every man and every woman automatically be compatible?

Find your person by meaningfully talking to people, not asking the internet to give you catch-all tips and tricks.

[–] randoot@lemmy.world 15 points 3 days ago (4 children)

Lemmy ate my post, going to try again;

Some men like to take charge in their relationship, other men like their women to take charge. (It's a spectrum of course.)

Your choice of words to describe yourself as "not real" suggests that you might need to work on your self confidence, and you might not be projecting a take charge attitude.

The overlap of men that like to take charge, and are also going on dates with trans women might be small.

The men that you're meeting might be more likely to be interested in a woman that takes charge.

So next time you're on a date, remember that this person has already accepted who you are. They're not doing you a favor and settling for a "not real" woman, they are interested in you.

At the same time, it's also totally ok if you are looking for a man that takes charge, just keep in mind it is going to take some looking and don't give up. ❤️

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[–] TrickDacy@lemmy.world 14 points 3 days ago (7 children)

Dating is quite difficult. I can't say from a trans perspective but from my perspective, there are many confusions and missteps. I have had so many women emphatically say they want another date and then flake. I think usually they're dating multiple people and chose someone else. Ghosting is also a term for a reason, it's fairly common. Keep at it, you're bound to find someone worth the effort eventually.

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[–] ada@piefed.blahaj.zone 11 points 3 days ago

The sad reality is, that's just what it's like dating cis men as a trans woman, at least when you're meeting them through apps or the like. The guys who hook up with trans women in those contexts are either chasers, or guys that are just curious. Neither of them is interested in anything long term though.

The guys who don't care whether you're trans or cis, who don't make it at the core of why they are interested in dating you, won't find you on dating apps.

Dating apps are awful for everyone, but as bad as they are, they are far far worse for trans folk.

[–] midribbon_action@lemmy.blahaj.zone 9 points 3 days ago (18 children)

I'm sorry, I'm not a man, but I do know the answer to your question. Disclosing your trans status in a dating profile is guaranteed to attract chasers. Once they realized you wanted a relationship and not just sex, they probably lost interest. I can almost guarantee it's not your fault, there's just a lot of gross men. You are a woman, it's not a lie. Disclose your trans status before meeting, but try to get to know them better first and get a sense of how they might react. You won't always get it right, and some men may respond badly, and you'll have to block them immediately. This is how I eventually found my husband.

Another option is to use a queer dating app and specifically look for t4t relationships. There are a lot of cute trans guys out there.

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