this post was submitted on 14 Oct 2025
951 points (99.0% liked)

Not The Onion

18411 readers
1507 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
(page 2) 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old

"They are the bad people, not us", got it.

[–] radix@lemmy.world 258 points 1 week ago (1 children)

He saw it on TV instead of through his porn accountability app. It was terrifying for him to not share his viewing with his son.

[–] LodeMike@lemmy.today 88 points 1 week ago

Oh yeah, he does that.

[–] TropicalDingdong@lemmy.world 202 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (1 children)

Dicks out for democracy.

Tits out against tyranny.

[–] Triumph@fedia.io 86 points 1 week ago (4 children)

Buttholes out against bastards.

[–] TheGoldenV@lemmy.world 25 points 1 week ago

The battle of the buttholes?

load more comments (3 replies)
[–] chellewalker@lemmy.ca 173 points 1 week ago (1 children)

What an impressively sheltered life he's lived.

[–] mushroommunk@lemmy.today 105 points 1 week ago (1 children)
[–] slaacaa@lemmy.world 22 points 1 week ago

How perfectly normal

[–] SatansMaggotyCumFart@piefed.world 126 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Did he not see Jan 6th 2021?

[–] bytesonbike@discuss.online 70 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (1 children)

You mean that fake Jan 6 Antifa woke FBI mob that were unarmed and just peaceful tourists?

Unlike that nothing burger, where five people died...

This VIOLENT bike ride had DICKS out.

load more comments (1 replies)

Right? I didn't see cyclists smear shit all over the place before leaving.

[–] EndlessNightmare@reddthat.com 118 points 1 week ago (6 children)

The U.S. is such a strange place, where a sizable part of the population is more terrified of tits than guns.

[–] mEEGal@lemmy.world 18 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Open carrying tits is way less common.

Would you open carry your tits in schools !!?

load more comments (2 replies)
load more comments (5 replies)
[–] Sludgehammer@lemmy.world 115 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Isn't that the most American statement ever. Belligerent assholes walking around with automatic rifles and tacticool pseudo military gear from Ebay? What a patriotic display! A bunch of people without clothes just biking around? The most threatening thing I've seen yet!

[–] Tempus_Fugit@midwest.social 53 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Lmao, Christians are too funny to me. Violence and murder, a-ok; little bit of nudity, "they're very threatening!"

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (1 replies)
[–] selkiesidhe@sh.itjust.works 95 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Portland does this sort of thing every year. Clutch your pearls harder, you mushroom-fluffing fascist.

The only thing it threatened was your fragile sense of heterosexuality upon seeing all those chilly willies.

[–] Flames5123@sh.itjust.works 1 points 6 days ago (2 children)

Seattle does a naked bike ride every solstice festival!

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] MightBeAlpharius@lemmy.world 28 points 1 week ago (1 children)

all those chilly willies

Yeah, I heard the weather was pretty bad this year. Ngl, though, I feel feel like my fragile sense of masculinity would be much more threatened by a bunch of massive flopping songs on a hot day, than it would be by a bunch of tiny chilly willies on a cold day.

...Hold up. Poor/middle class guys with small schlongs drive huge trucks and loud cars. Does this mean that rich guys with tiny tallywhackers go into politics?

[–] Drusas@fedia.io 17 points 1 week ago

Flopping songs. I can hear their sound now.

[–] Lushed_Lungfish@lemmy.ca 73 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Uh, I'd have gone with those planes crashing into the WTC, but sure.

[–] joker125@lemmy.world 48 points 1 week ago

Or the lunatics assaulting our capital to keep a wannabe dictator in power

[–] Treczoks@lemmy.world 67 points 1 week ago (5 children)

So, he considers unarmed, naked people "threatening"? What a weak, cowardly snowflake.

load more comments (5 replies)
[–] NigelFrobisher@aussie.zone 55 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (4 children)

I forgot nudity is like the ultimate taboo in the USA. Janet Jackson was sent to Guantanamo for her nip-nip popping out a little, while meanwhile over the pond there are nude Germans on every beach and children are raised by Eurotrash on late night TV.

[–] quick_snail@feddit.nl -2 points 6 days ago (5 children)

Janet Jackson was not a prisoner at Gitmo wtf

load more comments (5 replies)
load more comments (3 replies)
[–] logicbomb@lemmy.world 53 points 1 week ago (3 children)

“Most recently,” Johnson went on, “the most threatening thing I’ve seen yet was the naked bicyclers in Portland who were protesting ICE down there. I mean, it’s getting really ugly.”

Though the people behind him appeared to stifle a smile, it does not seem that he was joking, because he went on to say that protesters have attacked officers and people have been arrested.

The phrase "the most threatening thing I’ve seen yet was the naked bicyclers in Portland who were protesting ICE down there," cannot logically be anything except a defense of Portland. There is no other logical interpretation. It logically means that Portland has nothing more threatening than peaceful naked bicyclers. They can't even carry a concealed weapon.

But since Johnson is apparently disconnected from reality and basic logic, he can say something that defends Portland and pretend like it is a criticism of Portland. Is it even possible that he's so delusional that he believes what he's saying? No, I think it's very unlikely.

Even though the article says "it does not seem that he was joking," I still have trouble believing it. I have to convince myself that Mike Johnson wouldn't publicly defend Portland as being safe in order to believe that he wasn't joking.

But then, what am I left with? No human being over, say, 15, with reasonable intelligence, could think about that statement that Johnson said and believe he was telling the truth.

So, the explanation is that Mike Johnson is so used to getting away with lying that he'll just say anything. And meanwhile, his audience are so used to not thinking that they don't even call him on it.

load more comments (3 replies)
[–] IndridCold@lemmy.ca 50 points 1 week ago (4 children)

He's really thinking "All those cocks and not enough time to suck them all."

[–] EndlessNightmare@reddthat.com 22 points 1 week ago (1 children)

"Try not to suck any dick on your way through the parking lot."

/37

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments (3 replies)
[–] Archangel1313@lemmy.ca 44 points 1 week ago (2 children)

Doesn't he have a secret Grindr account? Somehow, I think he's seen worse.

[–] I_Has_A_Hat@lemmy.world 1 points 6 days ago

No. Some no-name tik-toker claimed he had proof and threatened to reveal it, and then offered no evidence when the time came. But, the internet being what it is, people rolled with it because I guess the truth should never get in the way of a good story.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] BigMacHole@sopuli.xyz 39 points 1 week ago

How DARE they ~~KIDNAP CHILDREN AT GUNPOINT AND TAKE THEM TO UNDISCLOSED LOCATIONS AWAY FROM THEIR PARENTS OR LAWYERS!~~ RIDE BIKES NAKED!

[–] charade_you_are@sh.itjust.works 38 points 1 week ago (1 children)

What a fucking gimp lol... This is best laugh I've had in at least the month. The things these pussies are afraid of. Fucking lol

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Kolanaki@pawb.social 35 points 1 week ago (1 children)

Awww... Did those naked bikers make you feew insecuwe? Awww...

load more comments (1 replies)

I’m guessing he doesn’t know that New Orleans does this as well? In his home state? Nobody tell him.

[–] perishthethought@piefed.social 21 points 1 week ago

Pffft, snowflake.

[–] Grass@sh.itjust.works 21 points 1 week ago (1 children)

threatening to his anti masturbation pact with his son?

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Hegar@fedia.io 20 points 1 week ago (1 children)

To be serious for a moment, he doesn't believe that for a second.

He's just bullshiting to further the false narrative that his fascist regime is pushing as they continue deploying the military against the american public and other opponents of fascism.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] Rentlar@lemmy.ca 18 points 1 week ago* (last edited 1 week ago) (1 children)

Perhaps what Speaker Johnson is saying is true (who am I kidding?). The political violence from "the Left" has been such a nothingburger that the most henious thing that he had seen thus far is a cycling group with a few naked people. Write that down as public testimony for the state attorneys' cases.

load more comments (1 replies)
load more comments
view more: ‹ prev next ›