this post was submitted on 03 Sep 2026
479 points (99.0% liked)

Not The Onion

22409 readers
1242 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Please also avoid duplicates.

Comments and post content must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, ableist, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 3 years ago
MODERATORS
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] rockettaco37@feddit.nu 17 points 17 hours ago (2 children)

I’ll be grateful when he puts a gun in his mouth.

[–] Tollana1234567@lemmy.today 2 points 5 hours ago

doubt the grim reaper can killhimself,. he has people to reap

[–] fyzzlefry@retrolemmy.com 3 points 12 hours ago* (last edited 12 hours ago)

Halfway there

Livin on a prayer

[–] AngryCommieKender@lemmy.world 40 points 21 hours ago (1 children)

Translation: "we've almost exhausted the strategic oil reserves. Get ready for gas to triple."

[–] limelight79@lemmy.world 3 points 13 hours ago

"You ain't seen nothing yet!"

[–] Professorozone@lemmy.world 17 points 18 hours ago

Thank you so much to the Trump administration for raising gas prices LESS than the most he could have. That's a job we'll done. Now let's get that arch and ball room constructed!

/s

[–] muusemuuse@sh.itjust.works 23 points 21 hours ago

I hope he snags his dick in a zipper next time he fucks a couch.

[–] LaunchesKayaks@lemmy.world 44 points 1 day ago (1 children)
[–] Daft_ish@lemmy.dbzer0.com 8 points 19 hours ago (1 children)

Sounds like youre owed some fuck around

[–] LaunchesKayaks@lemmy.world 6 points 18 hours ago (1 children)

Who do I contact to rectify this debt

[–] Daft_ish@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 points 13 hours ago (1 children)

Thats the beauty of it. Its your fuck around, you already found out.

[–] LaunchesKayaks@lemmy.world 1 points 10 hours ago

Man, idek how to fuck around at this point. I'm doing way too much finding out lately.

[–] WanderWisley@lemmy.world 22 points 23 hours ago

Supreme leader JD Zedong has spoken.

[–] TronBronson@lemmy.world 13 points 22 hours ago

He's not wrong, someone spent a lot of money shorting oil futures to keep this shit show together. After mid terms the prices might double lol

[–] isekaihero@ani.social 14 points 22 hours ago* (last edited 22 hours ago) (5 children)

I have a feeling no matter who the GOP runs, the democrats are going to win the 2028 election. I also think it's going to be very lopsided, like Reagan's election in 1984. The GOP will probably win Texas.

This amount of blind deaf stupidity to the issues prioritized by their voting base isn't going to end well.

I wish Bernie was younger. If Bernie was able to run in 2028 he would be the president our country needs. But he will be lucky to finish his current office at his age. The democrats will probably nominate someone dumb and we will end up with two cartoon characters running for office, and everything will keep getting worse.

[–] spacegoat@lemmy.world 2 points 5 hours ago

In case you’ve missed it, these folks are a symptom not a disease. A good portion of the populace are evil and their party is working to gerrymander and cheat harder than ever before.

[–] fyzzlefry@retrolemmy.com 2 points 12 hours ago

I love your optimism that we will have actual elections.

[–] Bwaz@lemmy.world 5 points 19 hours ago

I wouldn't count on that. The GOP has the billionaire's money for campaigns, which no number of other peoples donations can match. And a ridiculous number of people get all their "information" from GOP nonstop propaganda (FOX News and other MAGA dominated networks)

[–] NewSocialWhoDis@lemmy.zip 4 points 19 hours ago

In all seriousness, do you really believe there won't be incredible amounts of fuckery in the 2028 election?

[–] AngryCommieKender@lemmy.world 5 points 21 hours ago (1 children)

Texas is threatening to turn purple. They may not get Texas or Florida.

[–] maturelemontree@lemmy.zip 3 points 20 hours ago

There's too many large cities in those states that'd turn them purple. They'll still win no city states like Montana

[–] cupcakezealot@piefed.blahaj.zone 10 points 22 hours ago

its weird that this dude fucks sofa cushions.

[–] lechekaflan@lemmy.world 26 points 1 day ago
[–] finallymadeanaccount@lemmy.world 32 points 1 day ago (1 children)

"You should be happy we haven't fucked you over even more!"

[–] D_C@sh.itjust.works 35 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Typical abuser behaviour.
"I only hit you once. Now thank me. THANK ME.
...
Don't make me hit you again!!!"

"th...thank you."

"Thank you, what?"

"thank you...sir?"

"AGAIN!"
"thank you, sir."

"Good peasant. Now go away and don't cause any more trouble."


I used to be a live and let live kind of person, but the last ten years has made me a "kill the evil rich and powerful people" person.

[–] NikkiDimes@lemmy.world 9 points 19 hours ago* (last edited 19 hours ago)

This isn't even exaggerating, he literally already had a variant of this conversation with Zelensky.

[–] VieuxQueb@lemmy.ca 3 points 21 hours ago

Everyone deserves to live, as long as they don't intentionally cause harm for the love of power/greed.

[–] atzanteol@sh.itjust.works 12 points 1 day ago

We’ve been quite successful up to this point.

Laughter

Gas, frankly, could’ve been much, much ~~higher~~ lower were it not for our efforts.

[–] VieuxQueb@lemmy.ca 6 points 21 hours ago

Let them eat cake!

[–] SaveTheTuaHawk@lemmy.ca 3 points 18 hours ago

"we fucked you, but we used lube... YOU'RE WELCOME".

[–] moondoggie@lemmy.world 156 points 1 day ago (1 children)

YOU HAVEN’T EVEN SAID THANK YOU

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] bstix@feddit.dk 25 points 1 day ago

Another case of 'Did you even say "thank you"?'

[–] 100_kg_90_de_belin@feddit.it 34 points 1 day ago (1 children)

He claimed that if the U.S. left the Persian Gulf, there would be “no guaranteed access to oil and gas” and that the U.S.’s Gulf Arab allies say “that would be the worst thing in the world.”

You had no reason to be there in the first place, tho

[–] BillyClark@piefed.social 4 points 22 hours ago

U.S.’s Gulf Arab allies say “that would be the worst thing in the world.”

Yes because they are right there. America, on the other hand, is very far away from that area. Not that we should abandon allies, but we should approach the situation with all of the context in mind and afford it the response that aligns best with our country's interests.

Meanwhile, our biggest allies in Europe have been moving away from oil, since they used to get tons of it from Russia.

They somehow learned that it's not great to rely heavily on a resource that needs to be imported from dodgy areas of the world. It's weird that America can't seem to understand that very simple lesson.

[–] Corkyskog@sh.itjust.works 10 points 1 day ago (1 children)

The only reason they aren't is because we caught some OPEC countries under reporting oil inventories for at least the prior two years.

[–] Duamerthrax@lemmy.world 9 points 23 hours ago (1 children)

They're also pillaging the federal oil reserves.

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] tal@lemmy.today 97 points 1 day ago (3 children)

The alternative, Vance said, was accepting that “the Iranians were going to shoot at ships like crazy people.”

Vance, the Trump administration was shooting at Cuban boats to score political points less than a year ago.

[–] Nobody@anarchist.nexus 30 points 1 day ago (1 children)

Double-tapping survivors. They were fishing boats, but even if they had been gun runners, that’s a war crime. Textbook definition.

[–] DaveyRocket@lemmy.world 5 points 23 hours ago

Can’t be a crime if you get rid of the courts!

[–] Witchfire@lemmy.world 50 points 1 day ago* (last edited 1 day ago)

The Trump regime continues to randomly blast ships out of the water half a world away with no care for who's onboard

Iran is shooting at ships in its waters

load more comments (1 replies)
[–] bitjunkie@lemmy.world 5 points 22 hours ago (5 children)
load more comments (5 replies)
[–] Pringles@sopuli.xyz 25 points 1 day ago (2 children)

Grateful to China for using their reserves, reducing global demand by several million barrels a day.

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] lemmyng@lemmy.world 49 points 1 day ago (2 children)

JD Vance should be grateful we just want him out of office.

load more comments (2 replies)
[–] arctanthrope@lemmy.world 30 points 1 day ago

"pray I do not alter it further"

[–] rauls5@lemmy.zip 32 points 1 day ago (2 children)

I am grateful that they are high, and hope they go higher, it’s the only way Americans will vote against this herd of assholes.

load more comments (2 replies)
load more comments
view more: next ›