this post was submitted on 04 Dec 2023
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the_dunk_tank

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It's the dunk tank.

This is where you come to post big-brained hot takes by chuds, libs, or even fellow leftists, and tear them to itty-bitty pieces with precision dunkstrikes.

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[–] Frank@hexbear.net 75 points 2 years ago (4 children)

There's an old folk thingy from Borneo that claims Orangs can, in fact, talk. But they don't, because if humans found out they'd be forced to get jobs and pay taxes.

[–] FALGSConaut@hexbear.net 43 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Makes sense to me. If I got to spend my whole life chilling in the forest and some weird bald fuckers came and tried to make me work and pay taxes I'd do whatever needed to convince them I'm just another ape and continue to chill in the forest

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[–] FlakesBongler@hexbear.net 32 points 2 years ago

And yet they put them to work gathering palm nuts for palm oil anyway deeper-sadness

[–] Findom_DeLuise@hexbear.net 30 points 2 years ago

Based and Ankh-Morpork Unseen University librarian-pilled

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[–] Dolores@hexbear.net 73 points 2 years ago (1 children)

plays stellaris once

why can't i make the bonobo population into a client state? galaxy-brain

[–] Venus@hexbear.net 22 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Imagine trying to enforce our volcel rules here in a world where bonobos are posting

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[–] KarlBarqs@hexbear.net 66 points 2 years ago (9 children)

this is a classic sci fi plot

And every single fucking time it goes bad for the people involved

Like literally every single instance of a species being uplifted in sci fi is a cautionary tale about interference with others, and usually has the uplifted species be violent/used as a weapon

Literal fucking Torment Nexus bullshit

[–] TraschcanOfIdeology@hexbear.net 33 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago)

All (good) sci-fi is an exploration of issues that already exist in our world, just with the added distance of future/tech that allows those issues to take an even greater shape.

This whole "uplifting primates" bs is just sci-fi talk for neoliberal development economics, it's just saying the quiet part out loud, in that people from poor countries are an inherently inferior species.

[–] QuillcrestFalconer@hexbear.net 23 points 2 years ago (2 children)

The Culture Series would like a word. Although sometimes when they interfere things do go bad and that's part of the narrative, but the majority of time they don't interfere it results in self destruction of civilizations

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[–] TerminalEncounter@hexbear.net 57 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (1 children)

They used to extract value from animals on industrial scales, like horses and stuff. They still do now of course but it's very grisly (watch dominion) because it's more about getting their flesh, skin, oil, etc.

Anyway, we used to use them in "jobs" but it turns out machinery and mechanization was way more profitable, dumbass.

[–] Posadas@hexbear.net 36 points 2 years ago (2 children)

Ah, but what if we forced them to work for Uber before chopping them up?

[–] AnarchoAnarchist@hexbear.net 29 points 2 years ago

"sorry George, you only have 4.5 stars on Uber. Drive to the monkey nugget factory for reassignment"

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[–] POKEMONGOTOTHEGULAG@hexbear.net 49 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (1 children)

We don't need more workers you fucking idiot, like half the Western population pushes around numbers on a spreadsheet for living. If we want more productivity maybe we should force these assholes onto an assembly line building stupid bullshit before we fuck with porcupines.

[–] jonne 28 points 2 years ago

Yep, if we weren't burdened by the Protestant work ethic that dictates that everyone should work, we could have a society where everyone takes turns working on a farm once a month and can do whatever the fuck they want the rest of the month. We'd still be able to feed everyone and society wouldn't collapse.

[–] FourteenEyes@hexbear.net 45 points 2 years ago

Those Planet of the Apes movies are all about how this is a super great idea

[–] SorosFootSoldier@hexbear.net 43 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Leave the animals alone you ghouls anprim-pat

[–] PointAndClique@hexbear.net 31 points 2 years ago (1 children)

monke-return bring me the one they call Ryan McEntush

[–] TerminalEncounter@hexbear.net 28 points 2 years ago (1 children)

lol we should focus on uplifting humans

[–] Posadas@hexbear.net 22 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Please stop, the Indonesian commisar sent to uplift Estonia is still hard at work to this day.

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[–] viva_la_juche@hexbear.net 41 points 2 years ago (1 children)
[–] SoyViking@hexbear.net 24 points 2 years ago

Wot if they didn't and the police came to put them in prison?

[–] drhead@hexbear.net 40 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Really? Dolphins are by far the obvious candidates for first uplift. (They will be immediately sent the the Hague for perpetrating a genocide against porpoises)

[–] Venus@hexbear.net 25 points 2 years ago (7 children)

The problem is dolphins would have a hard time using tools or, like, building stuff underwater

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[–] GalaxyBrain@hexbear.net 39 points 2 years ago

Anyone who considers something like this seriously has to die immediately. This is pure evil in like the way Michael Myers is described by Dr Loomis. It has to be destroyed.

[–] FnordPrefect@hexbear.net 38 points 2 years ago

"OOK!" - Head librarian of Unseen University

[–] emizeko@hexbear.net 36 points 2 years ago

What's the business model?

:gulag:

[–] MaxOS@hexbear.net 35 points 2 years ago
[–] Self_Sealing_Stem_Bolt@hexbear.net 34 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Liberals can't even lift people out of poverty, what do they think they're gonna do to help animals exactly?

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[–] iridaniotter@hexbear.net 33 points 2 years ago (1 children)

What? The cutting edge of domestication science was a Soviet fox project, genetic engineering is in its infancy, and a comprehensive understanding of the brain and sapience is nowhere in sight. How the fuck would we uplift an animal even if we wanted to?

[–] Tankiedesantski@hexbear.net 26 points 2 years ago

You put a chimp in a lift and press the button for the top floor.

[–] Goblin@hexbear.net 30 points 2 years ago (1 children)
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[–] SoyViking@hexbear.net 29 points 2 years ago (5 children)

I don't remember whether I read this but I swear to God it is a thing that exists. I over found an "an"cap comic book online which was a kind of parallel universe thing. One universe was the one we know today, just a few years in the future: huge smoking ban signs everywhere, owning gold was illegal, there were no cats so people were forced to bike, meat was expensive/illegal so people turned to cannibalism, everything was grey and dull, you know, what we're currently used to now.

But then there was the parallel universe, an "an"cap utopia in which there were no states, the colours were bright and happy, people paid at vending machines by putting in pieces of bullion and monkeys could speak. Yes, somehow one of the bazinga technologies unleashed by removing the yoke of the state was making moneys sentient. I'm not sure but I remember an "an"cap monkey cop.

It was some of the most amazing agitprop I've ever seen.

[–] LeopardShepherd@hexbear.net 25 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Love that the only logical conclusion to meat being expensive/illegal is canabalism lmao

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[–] FlakesBongler@hexbear.net 29 points 2 years ago

A bear, the second it's "uplifted": hexbear-shining

[–] egg1918@hexbear.net 28 points 2 years ago

How truly unimaginative.

[–] Phish@hexbear.net 26 points 2 years ago (2 children)

If those guys aren't doing some kind of comically soulless capitalist scum routine they definitely deserve to play some Minecraft.

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[–] Frogmanfromlake@hexbear.net 26 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Why do they all have the same smile?

[–] LemonGrease@hexbear.net 17 points 2 years ago
[–] TupamarosShakur@hexbear.net 26 points 2 years ago

in capitalist usa, monke return to us

[–] pooh@hexbear.net 25 points 2 years ago
[–] JoeByeThen@hexbear.net 24 points 2 years ago
[–] Maoo@hexbear.net 24 points 2 years ago

Sorry to bother you

[–] Elon_Musk@hexbear.net 24 points 2 years ago

Wait a minute, Statue of Liberty! That was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

Put my old shift supervisor on the floor with a bunch of apes so he can try to make them work the machines. I’d pay to watch the worker uprising.

[–] ShimmeringKoi@hexbear.net 23 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago)

Get your chrome-ass claws away from the monkeys you soulless goddamn robots

[–] BodyBySisyphus@hexbear.net 20 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (1 children)

So it's been something like 7 million years since humans and chimps parted ways (probably as a result of a chromosomal fusion event that might be difficult to replicate!). Let's assume we can use artificial selection, fast generation times, and targeted germ line mutations to speed that process up, what sort of efficiency could we get? 10x? Someone put me on ice so I can see the dawn of the First Bonobo Suzerain of 702023.

[–] Frank@hexbear.net 17 points 2 years ago (1 children)

Urban raccoons have gotten measurably better and solving puzzles in just the last few decades, I'm told.

Evolution can happen real fast sometimes.

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[–] AOCapitulator@hexbear.net 20 points 2 years ago

When you've played spore and then felt smart after

[–] jaeme@hexbear.net 18 points 2 years ago
[–] Weedian@hexbear.net 16 points 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) (1 children)

So the animals are gonna get to vote then right? Taxation without representation was supposedly what America declared independence over

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